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the things that someone did for me, and happy that i can. paying for my recovery is what i heard in the reading this morning. yes that is not a very positive spin, unless you look at life in general.
when i was active in addiction i believed that there were very few things i did that had a cost. yes there was money involved when i used those means to obtain what i needed for that day, but as long as i was paying for what i was getting, with money i earned as a result of my labors, that was a small cost to pay. as i grow in my recovery, and continue to live the program, i am more aware of what the real costs of my active addiction were, and how to this day, i am still paying them. unfortunately this addict does not recover from years of active addiction overnight. but that is hardly the point, the point that i am trying to make, is that everything i do has a cost associated with it. even just breathing depletes the air around me of that fraction of oxygen i need to survive. so if just living has a many costs to pay, living a lifer of recovery also has a cost that i need to pay.
in active addiction i had a desire to get a free ride, and did my best to achieve that, in my life of recovery, i have a desire to be self-supporting, and actually paying my way, and here is the BIGGIE, without an expectation of reward. do not get me wrong, i still like to have my efforts appreciated and i still feel good when i am recognized for paying the price for my recovery, hell, i am still human after all, and the whole reward and punishment conditioning i have been hard-wired with, still exists. HOWEVER, as an addict who chooses a life of recovery, there are times when i transcend that conditioning and become more than just another monkey. those who have gone before me, have taught me that sharing the gift of recovery and the gifts i have received as a result of my recovery, ensures that the fellowship upon which i depend for my daily survival will thrive. so i have a selfish motive for doing the next right thing when it comes to sharing the gift. i could get into the whole ends justify the means discussion, but the further i go down this path, the less spiritual i seem to be getting. so i guess it is better to stop right here and allow myself to enjoy the desire to give back and give away what was so freely given to me. i will end with the thought that today i am willing to pay the cost for my recovery and allow myself to be free from the burden of the desire to use. after all, this is all about me, anyhow.

∞ DT ∞