Blog entry for:

the benefits of the spiritual wealth, i have been given, i need to be diligent about giving it away. there are all sorts of notions going through my head today as i sit down and pound this out. the first being the sense of relief i feel because one of the men who called me their sponsor, decided to move along. he was and is a dear friend, but over the course of the past year, i had began to wonder if i was truly the “best sponsor in the world for him.” i am certain i have more to give him and i hope our friendship will continue. his reluctance to move along, seemed to be based on fear of change and the length of time we have been in this particular relationship. my concern was that due to the distance, i had to rely on him reaching out to me, when he needed to, because i could not gauge how well he was doing, by seeing him and interacting with him on a very regular basis. i was afraid that i was contributing to his misery, rather than being the means for him to find a different road to travel. in the long run, we will see if suggesting to him to make a hard decision about his future path, was as spiritual and well-meaning as it feels to me today.
first one off the stack!
the next notion was how hard the jones was on me yesterday and how many times i had to surrender. as i have been more than clear about, i have stopped smoking tobacco products and not replaced that activity with another means of nicotine delivery. for the most part, the desire to use this substance has been removed from me. when the date of my “test” was revealed to me, and i realize i had time to take a break and still pass that test, it was full on obsession to have “just one.” i understand all about the five minute plan and for many hours yesterday, when i had prime opportunities to “get away” with that “one,” i had to say; “just for the next five minutes i will not run out and get something to smoke.”
this morning, i am grateful that somehow i was given the power to just say “not right now.” i know that did not come from inside of me and that the POWER that fuels my recovery provided the strength i lacked. i allowed that POWER to give me what i needed and i got another day without a nicotine slip. i share this, because after decades of having the desire to use drugs removed, i forget what those early days were like. when all i could think about was how i could not wait to use once again and how was i going to make it to that particular “red letter day.” the parallels between then and now are amazing, and just like once upon that time, i lack the desire not to smoke another cigar, the rest of my life. how this will all play out, is yet to be seen, but just for today, i will allow myself to be nicotine free and see what this day will bring.

∞ DT ∞