Blog entry for:

what has been shared with me, with no expectation of reward. well most of time, to admit to anything different would imply that somehow i have become a totally unselfish and giving human being, which is not the case yet!
there is a caveat to that statement, as always, when it comes to giving away the gift of recovery and the ability to live each day as best as i can within the spiritual principles of the fellowship that has given me this new life. those gifts i give without expecting anything in return, and that i can say with qualifications, rationalizations or justifications. the rub comes when i have to give other things away, and i am not speaking about material things. the thing i have the most difficulty giving away is my love. to this day, i am still more than a bit leery about letting new people into my life. my great wall of protection has been thinned and shortened, but it is still there. i tell myself about the wall being necessary for me to prevent getting to attached to every newcomer who happens to walk through the doors and into the rooms. true as that may be, and i am not certain that it is the case, maintaining a bit of detachment and not giving love are not the same thing. those two actions may sound similar, and even share many things in common, but i can maintain my detachment and still freely give the love that was given to me. i still have the expectation that when i give love, i expect love. when i respect someone, i expect them to respect me. it is these expectations that prevent me from becoming the unselfish, caring paragon of virtue that the program holds up as an ideal. will i ever reach that ideal? more than likely the answer is no, but that does not keep me from doing the work i need to do, to get better. i understand that most of the defense mechanisms i developed over the course of my active addiction served their purpose, they kept me alive and relatively sane. i also understand that the part of me i call my disease still wants to isolate me from the world around me, and give me a reason to return to actively using again. so the only way i can continue to hold that part of me at bay, is to let other people and others in recovery in to my life, by giving as freely as i can today those gifts that were and still are being given to me today. not much of a task, but more than enough to chew on for now. time to get cracking -- PEACE OUT y’all!

∞ DT ∞