Blog entry for:

my time, attention, and love. it is true, this is my second start on this particular entry and not because i fat fingered something, other than my brain. i started off by oh so snarkily attacking my peers, and when i got three lines in, i realized that there was not a whole lot of humility going on. what i was doing, was exercising a shortcoming to cover up a defect of character, as this topic always gives me a twinge of not being “good enough.”
i know i have shared in the past, how i was not made to feel welcome when i first came around the rooms. more than likely, it was me keeping my distance and doing whatever it was i could do, to keep the members at bay, just as i did with everyone else in my life. my credo back then was what they do not know about me, cannot hurt me! my perception of how i thought things were, and my tendency to shift blame, caused me to be a bit resentful and aloof. when i finally got clean, i left this fellowship for nearly six months and hid out in another one. there they seemed to not care if i was unwilling to share anything of myself or my life. i was still a quid pro quo, kind of guy and feared owing those people anything! what does this nightmarish trip down memory lane have to do with freely giving what was once offered to me, but rejected and spurned by me? that is an excellent question.
for me, when i see a newcomer exhibiting the similar behavior, that is my cue to share my experience from those early days. i do not take on “projects,” but i do quietly]y let them know that they are more than likely in the correct spot. i also let them know, that i expect nothing in return. i know that i tend to come off as aloof and unapproachable at times, so expecting anyone, especially the FNG to reach out to me, is really a stretch. ironically, this façade of impenetrability that kept me at a distance as i did my best to disqualify myself from the fellowship. what i have to share these days, is that no matter how things appear, they are often the result of a carefully crafted illusion, to maintain some semblance of control. i get that taking a chance on a bunch of strangers, who are speaking a foreign language and seem to be way too happy, feels like a dangerous thing to do, it is far less risky to sit in the corner, arms folded, pretending that i am way above all that is going on in the rooms.
so what do i share today? that an addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. the fellowship may not be one's only way out, but for me it was THE way out. life today is way beyond what i expected it to be and as i sit here preparing for some time off from work, i can let those who i see, know that there are ways and means to a life beyond their wildest dreams.

∞ DT ∞