« it is a joy to find i have something that can be of use to others »
Posted: Tue, Dec 15, 2009 09:25:00 AM
that joy is multiplied when i share it, and today i can do so, freely and gratefully. there is some joy in my heart this morning as well as a bit of anger over the violation of my front yard last night. someone decided they wanted a string of our Christmas lights and helped themselves. although there is a material cost to replacing them, there is also an emotional cost. those lights were my significant other’s favorites. she loved them because they were so cute. they were a bit cheesy in my opinion, but life is a series of accommodations and compromises, and if the two of us had the exact same tastes and opinions on everything, our relationship would probably be in trouble.
there is a sadness in my heart that she lost something that she liked. there is anger at the disrespect of our space and things. there is fear that someone would do something like that, what else would someone do to us and our stuff just because our house is where it is. there is confusion as i know i SHOULD accept the loss and move on into forgiveness and something . probably me, keeps me from moving there. it was just the end of a trying, busy day, and this morning as i look back over the past 24 hours, i can clearly see that i can make plans, BUT i cannot plan outcomes, and life is better for me when i allow that to happen.
of course this has little to do, with sharing the joy that i have found since coming to recover, or does it. when i cam to the rooms, i relationship it was always about to end any second. i hardly cared what their needs and wants were, much less doing something for them, just because i realized it might make them feel a bit more loved and show that i did have a bit of care left in my cold heart. so if some bit of entirely random chance i ended up owning a house with the woman i want to spend my life with, and if by some chance i was thawed enough in my emotions to want to decorate that house with Christmas lights, i would have been looking to chase someone down last night and beat them to the bloodiest pulp i could with absolutely no remorse or care, after all that is what they get if the f*CK with me.
that alternate reality does not exist, and in reality the only way i could have ever gotten to this place is by taking the path i have -- namely 25 or 26 years of active addiction followed by over four thousand, four hundred days of abstinence, practicing a program of active recover on a whole bunch of those days. i can sit here this morning, accepting that i was a victim of some random bit of theft and move on. or i can play the victim and suffer the slings and arrows that i toss at myself about how terrible things are, how i should have known better that to try and do something like and how terribly shitty the world is full of creeps and miscreants.
my choice is to try and move into acceptance that things happen, life goes on and be at peace that there was nothing personal about this, it was just a random event in a world of random events. i do have the tools today to say okay enough of the pain, i can move on and be whole today, it is after all a good day to recover and be as well as i can be today.
so it is time for me to have a trot around the neighborhood even though it is colder than i like.
there is a sadness in my heart that she lost something that she liked. there is anger at the disrespect of our space and things. there is fear that someone would do something like that, what else would someone do to us and our stuff just because our house is where it is. there is confusion as i know i SHOULD accept the loss and move on into forgiveness and something . probably me, keeps me from moving there. it was just the end of a trying, busy day, and this morning as i look back over the past 24 hours, i can clearly see that i can make plans, BUT i cannot plan outcomes, and life is better for me when i allow that to happen.
of course this has little to do, with sharing the joy that i have found since coming to recover, or does it. when i cam to the rooms, i relationship it was always about to end any second. i hardly cared what their needs and wants were, much less doing something for them, just because i realized it might make them feel a bit more loved and show that i did have a bit of care left in my cold heart. so if some bit of entirely random chance i ended up owning a house with the woman i want to spend my life with, and if by some chance i was thawed enough in my emotions to want to decorate that house with Christmas lights, i would have been looking to chase someone down last night and beat them to the bloodiest pulp i could with absolutely no remorse or care, after all that is what they get if the f*CK with me.
that alternate reality does not exist, and in reality the only way i could have ever gotten to this place is by taking the path i have -- namely 25 or 26 years of active addiction followed by over four thousand, four hundred days of abstinence, practicing a program of active recover on a whole bunch of those days. i can sit here this morning, accepting that i was a victim of some random bit of theft and move on. or i can play the victim and suffer the slings and arrows that i toss at myself about how terrible things are, how i should have known better that to try and do something like and how terribly shitty the world is full of creeps and miscreants.
my choice is to try and move into acceptance that things happen, life goes on and be at peace that there was nothing personal about this, it was just a random event in a world of random events. i do have the tools today to say okay enough of the pain, i can move on and be whole today, it is after all a good day to recover and be as well as i can be today.
so it is time for me to have a trot around the neighborhood even though it is colder than i like.
∞ DT ∞