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that i do the same for a newer member when i was able.
as i have stated before, i am not one of those who flock to the FNGs, at every opportunity i get. no, i am one of those members who is in the background, and allows the FNGs to come to me. the manner in which i “give it away,” is more subtle and certainly draws a whole lot less attention to MY efforts to carry the message. as i walk this path, i see the need for both types in the fellowship, those who are all about the new guy, and those who are all about supporting the not-so new guy. i certainly fall into that last camp.
ironically, when i was a FNG, the last thing i wanted was to be smothered in TWELVE STEP goodness. in fact, for me, it really put me off, and thankfully the members who were present at that time, were willing to accommodate my wishes and allowed me to find my own place in the fellowship. i remained on the fringes for quite some time, probably until after i had 18 months clean, and started to serve on the service committee level. for me, i had to come to terms with a whole lot of my sh!t, before i was willing to accept the love, compassion and yes fellowship i was being offered. i know that i am not different or unique, and many that walk into the rooms today, are in a similar situation. since i believed that no good deed went unpunished, when someone offered to pay for my meal or spend their time and attention on me, i thought there had to be a catch. trusting the members was not what i was all about when i started coming around, and when the daisies, rainbows and unicorns started spewing out fog their every orifice, i recoiled in FEAR, as that was not what i was here for!
i could go on and on, but as you can see, i temper my current behavior by what i was like, back in those dark days of early recovery. i do not tailor my message to the newcomer. i speak of life beyond the obsession and compulsion to use drugs. most importantly i allow myself to feel my way to those who might benefit the most from what i am willing to give away quite freely, based on the totally irrational nature of those feelings. what i have to give away is another way of looking at life, and another way of coming to terms with the facts, such as they are. those facts? well, for me, it is that i am an addict, not addicted to. it means that i am powerless over being an addict and addiction in general, not the mind and mood altering substances that fed my addiction. it means that just as i had ton do sh!t every day, to stay high and maintain my addiction, so i must do today, to maintain my recovery. it means that with a few days clean, i can be a vision of HOPE without fawning and gushing over the newest members to-be. it means that i accept my place in the world and moiety, but do not allow myself to be constrained by those limits. it means that the time has come to wrap this up and head on down to Broomfield, to earn my daily bread. it is a great day to be clean, and maybe, just for today, i, too, can reach out and give away what was so freely given to me.

∞ DT ∞