Blog entry for:

of sharing was not an activity i ever thought i would come to see as something i had the DESIRE to do. i am self-centered, self-obsessed and certainly selfish and all of that is not self-deprecating in the slightest, as it is an honest assessment of who i am or at least who i was. i understand how precious the gift of **just for today** is and i have a DESIRE to give it to everyone who asks. sometimes i am not paying attention and i give far too much. one of my peers texted me last night and i did not realize what they were looking for was a place to dump their sh!t and not looking for my take on the situation. i am quiet certain that my little exercise in over-sharing created and strong emotional reaction and as part of my TENTH STEP last night i had to own what i “assumed” they wanted was not what they were actually asking for, from me. this goes straight to the heart of me, thinking i “know” best, what i NEED to give to anyone, instead of pausing, and listening to my heart to discern what is really going on. i wanted to say i was exercising an “old,” but as my friend Jack pointed out, it is not “old” if i am still doing it. a better choice for a description of that behavior is familiar, as it has been part of my repertoire for quite some time. enough of indulging in an exercise of how ̶bad” i happen to be and time to come back into the light.
this is where i could spend hundreds of words speaking about how i carry the message and how i serve the fellowship that has given me this life. i will not dwell in this house for very long, as it feels like another shortcoming, popping to the surface. what i will say is that i really can see no reason &$#8220;why” have as much clean time as i have. i know clean-time does not equal recovery. i also know that without clean-time it is difficult to have any recovery. i can point to the “how” i got a few days in a row. once i gave up on being different and decided i was worth more than a DOC number and being on a first name basis with the local county deputies and police force, i applied myself to learning to live the program of recovery that has been shared with me. that road has not been an easy one to follow and more than once i have wandered astray. the fact is, that no matter how far afield i trotted, i always realized that what i have here is worth more than the greener grass on the other side of the fence. sure a weekend of using might sound like an appealing activity, but i am more than certain, that i would never come back. that “vacation” would become permanent and i am not sure where i would end up.
DAMMIT ALL, i just went dark again!! so before i drift too far off, i guess i say i will root, root, root for the home team with a friend and enjoy the gifts this manner of living provides me on a daily basis.

∞ DT ∞