Blog entry for:

once i surrender, i need to learn how to live in the peace i have found. the action of the first step is especially poignant for me this morning, as i am walking a brand new guy through this process. as always, when i am guiding someone through a step, i end-up examining the step myself, and it seems that i am actually working it, or better put, it is working me as it is him. i did have trouble with surrender and still do to some extent, however i have written more than enough words about that particular piece of the problem, and not nearly enough on my experience with the solution. summing up the problem, i seem to only surrender when there is absolutely, positively, no alternate method to get what i am seeking.
so the question is what am i seeking, not how do i get it. and the answer in and of itself is evidence of the transitory nature of my desires …
… okay what was i talking about? oh yeah the transitory nature of my desire structure. if i had been asked way back when what i desired as a result of recovery, i would have been way shortchanged. of course i probably would have spoken about material and physical things, and perhaps paid lip service to my spiritual and emotional desires, but in reality, i would have only talked about those two to look good. it was and still is about appearances for me :). these days, i am looking for the means to accept and implement my new vision of myself. i know that has to come from outside of me, and the only way that will happen is if i decide to surrender, accept that i am powerless over developing the means to live my new vision, and allow the POWER that keeps me clean to show me the way. the question i am stuck at, right here and right now, is how do i humbly ask? and as i let go, and listen and participate i am sure that will be revealed, in its proper time. and on that note it is time to return to the task at hand -- getting the means to pay my mortgage, it after all, all about doing the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞