Blog entry for:

i begin looking to a Power greater than myself more and more for spiritual satisfaction rather than trying to fill that void with something else. so i heard a few different threads in the reading this morning, and for the first time, i feel like i may actually understand what this reading is talking about. oh, i get that the FIRST STEP is more than a surrender to the disease of addiction, i have understood that for some time now. i also understand that there is action required for the FIRST STEP, that also makes sense as i integrate this step into my daily life. no the piece i have been missing is the depth of change and surrender that is required to completely work a FIRST STEP. at this point in my recovery, the use of drugs is not an issue anymore, hence i might end up believing that the FIRST STEP no longer applies to me. NUT, if i believe that i am my disease, that it is me who wants to medicate away reality and go back to courting death one fix at a time, then the FIRST STEP takes on a whole new meaning, and only on the level that the reading is talking about this morning, does this make any sense.
this morning, i feel on the verge of one of those ‘¡A-HA!’ moments that occur in my life from time to time. what is about to be revealed to me is not yet evident, but this reading especially the part i quoted, struck a very deep and resonant chord in me. as i am trying to learn to be present for what is going on within and around me, i am paying attention today.
so in that vein, allowing myself to strip the wall of separation between what addicts and the addict is and who i am, is a process i started several years ago. as i grow, i find myself, less and less needing to rely on that particular mind trick to feel good about myself. i understand that it is a place not all of my peers in recovery ever get to, and that is no big deal, after all, this is my journey. after breaking that wall down, there was an immediate feeling of relief, followed by days and days of uncertainty as i sorted out the implications of that action for me and my recovery. and then there was just acceptance, that is until this morning. not that all of a sudden i no longer accept that as fact, no all of a sudden there is something new i need to realize about how that fact fits into my ongoing recovery. so as i run this morning, as i travel down to fulfill a service commitment i made, as i dine and fellowship with addicts i hardly ever get to see, and as i end my day traveling home and doing my formal inventory, i will let what ever is happening just happen, i will get out of my way for a change and surrender to this process, whatever it may be, secure in the FAITH that this, like most of the events that have been occurring in my life lately are part and parcel of what needs to be happening, whether i desire them or not. so off to hit the streets and start into my day.

∞ DT ∞