Blog entry for:

i live, might just be an indication of how willing i am to live a FIRST STEP. i have now completed my third week of looking for a job and after two seemingly good interviews and two very bad interviews, i am still clueless as to what my future may bring. i do know that had i had my first “bad” interview two days later, i would have been able to at least get past the first question. i have not heard from either of the interviews that seemed to go well, but the last one was at two o'clock PM yesterday, so it is far too early to tell. my check from savings has yet to arrive and things are starting to look a bit bleak and if i had not found the ways and means to allow myself to stay clean and live a program of recovery, i would be high, right now. or better put, still passed out, trying to sleep off whatever i did last night. as much as i want to take this afternoon off, i missed a day of training this week, and i am so freaking goal based, that i am going to do a bit of REACT coding, just because.
ah, but my trials and tribulations was not what i heard this morning, as i sat. it was weird, that bits of REACT code, drifted up from the depths and bubbled away off the top. money issues and frustrations with some of those who are part of my life, was came to the surface. when i stood up, and started my day, all of that stuff was gone and i felt, once again, as if i just need to keep on doing what i am doing and patiently wait to see what happens. i have said it in the past, and it is still true today, i am not a patient man. regardless of what i think i NEED, right here and right now, i seem to be getting what i actually need and doing what i NEED to do, to get the job i desire.
as i walk into this day, with a quick trip to the local big box discount club and the ATM on my way over to my home group. i am pretty sure i am on the correct path. i have no illusions about the amount of power i have over my addiction. i have no illusions that i can control how i feel. most of all i have no illusions about what “not yet,” means. i can twist and turn about all of that, or i can let go, do the next right thing for myself and those around me, and be okay with what comes down the pike, just for today.

∞ DT ∞