ยฟ do i understand that i have no real control over addiction ยฟ
Posted: Sat, Jan 29, 2011 09:52:39 AM
the answer to that question, of course, indicates the state of my recovery today. the passage i lifted made a reference to drugs, while there was a time where that was adequate for me, i have grown to the place where i have to look at the entire package of addiction and not the most obvious part of that, namely my uncontrollable usage of drugs.
i understand why the literature makes so many reference to drugs, even though this program is not about slavery to substances, that is the entry point, the foyer for this amazing structure called recovery. the invitation to recover, says one thing and gives something entirely different. what it invites a living life without using drugs. what it gives is a manner of living far beyond the mere abstinence from the use of drugs. quite frankly, i am glad i was a victim of this bait and switch tactic way back when. had i been able to grasp the implication of what STEP ONE was really saying in those tenuous first days in recovery, i would have certainly been out the door, headed for my dealerʼns place, at breakneck speed. so i get it, it is the use of drugs that unites us in the early days, BUT it is FREEDOM from active addiction that sustains us.
where am i going with all of this? well the reading continues on about the actions i, as an addict in recovery, need to take as part of STEP ONE. back in the day, those may have seemed onerous, and i certainly resisted. after all, what did hanging out in bars, shooting pool have to do with STEP ONE, alcohol was never a big thing for me, although i used it like any other drug, it was the one, i liked the least and i saw it only as my final backup, when nothing else was available. that is exactly the danger: my view of alcohol as somehow different. just as i accepted in those early days that hanging with my dealer and actively using friends was a fairly bad idea, hanging in a bar was no less of one for me. i am always looking for a loophole, and when i started probation i certainly found one, namely that alcohol was not part of addiction, and i was allowed by the justice system to drink moderately. here in the fellowship that sort of thinking is so much bullsh!t that we read it at every meeting. thinking anything different is certainly a start down the road to active addiction for me. i accept that in my heart today, and as a result i have the desire to be free from ACTIVE ADDICTION today, no matter what it takes.
so how do i work STEP ONE today, after more than a few days in a row clean? i accept that i am powerless over ADDICTION PERIOD! as a result my life is unmanageable PERIOD! in order to find HOPE i open my mind to the possibility of a POWER that fuels my recovery and surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER PERIOD. i know i just did STEPS 1 2 and 3, but that is how i have to do it. just practicing STEP ONE on a daily basis leaves a void in my life; and leaves me hopeless. i no longer want to feel desperate, i want to feel as if there is more than mere existence, and the only way i know of to accomplish that task within this framework is to use all of my knowledge and skills to the best of my ability today.
anyhow, as you can see, this is one of those soapbox issues for me. the whole idea that STEP ONE somehow magically works without any action, gives me the willies, and when i hear others allude to that possibility, i certainly run to my nearest piece of literature for confirmation of what i think i know, STEP ONE REQUIRES ACTION!
as the hour grows late, i think i will leave you all with this thought, if this gig was not working out for me, do you really believe i would still be here?
i understand why the literature makes so many reference to drugs, even though this program is not about slavery to substances, that is the entry point, the foyer for this amazing structure called recovery. the invitation to recover, says one thing and gives something entirely different. what it invites a living life without using drugs. what it gives is a manner of living far beyond the mere abstinence from the use of drugs. quite frankly, i am glad i was a victim of this bait and switch tactic way back when. had i been able to grasp the implication of what STEP ONE was really saying in those tenuous first days in recovery, i would have certainly been out the door, headed for my dealerʼns place, at breakneck speed. so i get it, it is the use of drugs that unites us in the early days, BUT it is FREEDOM from active addiction that sustains us.
where am i going with all of this? well the reading continues on about the actions i, as an addict in recovery, need to take as part of STEP ONE. back in the day, those may have seemed onerous, and i certainly resisted. after all, what did hanging out in bars, shooting pool have to do with STEP ONE, alcohol was never a big thing for me, although i used it like any other drug, it was the one, i liked the least and i saw it only as my final backup, when nothing else was available. that is exactly the danger: my view of alcohol as somehow different. just as i accepted in those early days that hanging with my dealer and actively using friends was a fairly bad idea, hanging in a bar was no less of one for me. i am always looking for a loophole, and when i started probation i certainly found one, namely that alcohol was not part of addiction, and i was allowed by the justice system to drink moderately. here in the fellowship that sort of thinking is so much bullsh!t that we read it at every meeting. thinking anything different is certainly a start down the road to active addiction for me. i accept that in my heart today, and as a result i have the desire to be free from ACTIVE ADDICTION today, no matter what it takes.
so how do i work STEP ONE today, after more than a few days in a row clean? i accept that i am powerless over ADDICTION PERIOD! as a result my life is unmanageable PERIOD! in order to find HOPE i open my mind to the possibility of a POWER that fuels my recovery and surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER PERIOD. i know i just did STEPS 1 2 and 3, but that is how i have to do it. just practicing STEP ONE on a daily basis leaves a void in my life; and leaves me hopeless. i no longer want to feel desperate, i want to feel as if there is more than mere existence, and the only way i know of to accomplish that task within this framework is to use all of my knowledge and skills to the best of my ability today.
anyhow, as you can see, this is one of those soapbox issues for me. the whole idea that STEP ONE somehow magically works without any action, gives me the willies, and when i hear others allude to that possibility, i certainly run to my nearest piece of literature for confirmation of what i think i know, STEP ONE REQUIRES ACTION!
as the hour grows late, i think i will leave you all with this thought, if this gig was not working out for me, do you really believe i would still be here?
∞ DT ∞