Blog entry for:

for spiritual satisfaction rather than trying to fill that void with something else. ironically, today i am certainly more focused on the second step, rather than the first. the action i do daily, as part of my first step practice, allows me the the FREEDOM to move on to STEP TWO, without any resistance. it was, however not always like that and i once believed that saying i surrender and actually living surrender were the same thing.
i will not rehash my early days of living a program here, at least not in detail, abut as the reading suggests, i once believed that saying the words would somehow magically move me to a place of surrender. it seemed to be part of the culture in the fellowship i had landed in, and at the least the whole “fake it until you make it,” was a socially acceptable manner in which to live, and of course, just like i am now, looking good was more important than feeling good for me. quite honestly, i actually liked the whole idea of faking it, as i was quite happy living in that paradigm, it was not all that much different to how i was living and if i had never attended what i thought was just a huge social event in Greeley Colorado, i would have been stuck right there, until my clock ticked off the last minutes of my legal sentence and i once again became a citizen.
i was nothing but hot air, back in those days, there was no action to my first step, and of course i was NOT powerless over mind and mood altering substances, so i was really exempt. let me backtrack just a bit here, it is true, i was NEVER powerless over any mind or mood altering substance, i proved that time and again, as i could quit any substance at almost any time, so i was never owned by drugs. i was however often owned by one or a combination of drugs, but i had enough strength of will to break free from that as well. the problem was that i was owned by ADDICTION, and until i surrendered to the fact that i was an addict and suffered the slings and arrows of addiction, i would never move beyond the lobby of recovery, regardless of how many steps i took. i see that same attitude today, in many of my peers, some that actually have amassed a good deal of clean time. for me, it was never about the drugs, and if my recovery continues up the path it has headed, it probably never will. getting beyond the dope, allows me the FREEDOM to work on my actual problem, the spiritual void that was the driving force behind my using. it is that void, that drives my addiction today, and it is that void, that gets filled when i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to work in my life. it is that void that puts limits on my growth and allows me to tell myself that things are just fine, internally, the way they are, who needs a sponsor, or step work or anything like that, after all, look how far i have come since…
so i NEED to take the action of really and actually surrendering daily to the fact that I AM AN ADDICT and powerless over addiction. it really is that simple and even though i may protest the simplicity part of the program, it does level the playing field for me, my peers, and those who are just trying to figure out, how their lives got so messed up and what they can do about it.
anyways, it is time to go be a part of this life i have been given and worked for, over the course of the last six thousand three hundred and more days. i can and will surrender, in words and in deeds, today, because without a doubt, i am an addict and that fact will not be changed anytime soon.

∞ DT ∞