Blog entry for:

-- i just surrender and go on to Step Two, however, Step One does require action! before i get rolling, i quick confession, i am writing this at work because i decided to slide on over to Boulder before the majority of the idiots got up and rolling on the diagonal and as a result the trip at 45 MPH took almost the exact same time as the trip usually does at much faster speeds. i am grateful this morning, that i am early riser and i can, when pressed get out of the house in less than 90 minutes.
back to my regularly scheduled blog…
with my original choice of where i got the notions of the recovery process, i certainly thought that this was just a surrender and go step. i could blame those others for my misunderstanding, but truthfully, i heard what i wanted to hear back in the day, and the last thing i REALLY wanted was a new way of life. ironically, as i uncovered more and more apparent loopholes, i finally reached a point where i was desperate enough to do something more than just hang out. the biggest loophole, and the one that almost took me out was admitting that i was powerless over mind and mood altering substances. that is similar to a diabetic saying they are powerless over their blood sugar. not that i am in any way equating addiction with diabetes, although that point has been made before, what i am saying is that i am NOT powerless over the most obvious symptoms of addiction, i am powerless over addiction, in all of its ugly glory. it is not the substances that kept me down, it was my uncontrollable use of them. in fact, meeting with another addict last night who has nearly nine years clean, or discussion DID not once focus on substance, but on other behaviors that are part of addiction for him. he, like me, is finally surrendering to the fact that what how, is far less important than why. and the why? because, i am an addict, plain and simple, and even with some days clean, i can still allow myself to think that i have some sort of power over addiction. in fact, the longer i stay clean, the greater the danger that i will succumb to that notion, based on the evidence of continuous clean time. clean time may be its own reward, but it is also a trap and an easy one for me to fall into and not be able to get out of again.
for myself and my program, i NEED to live the FIRST STEP on a daily basis, because anything else will result in a horror of a life, that i choose not to live today. anyhow, i do need to get cracking on the work on my desk, because that is the next right thing to do. perhaps as the day goes on, i will get some brilliant flash of inspiration and come back and add it, or perhaps not, all i know today, is: i am powerless over addiction and my life can be unmanageable as a result. it is up to me, to move forward from there and live the best program that i can, just for today.

∞ DT ∞