Blog entry for:

and the first step is just what i need to think about today. i have been quite the gloomy gus about recovery and the program lately, and what is going on is hard to pin down. somewhere i was starting to think that the fear i am feeling about the next step in my life, could be managed. i am afraid about where my life is going and what i am failing to see or even admit to is that it is only because i choose to recover that i can make the decision to move forward. yes, it appears the easier, softer way would be to just get high, leave recovery and return to the life i once thought was so desirable. honestly looking at me fear, and surrendering to the fact that i am and always will be an addict, no matter how many steps i have worked, no matter how much clean time i accumulate, no matter how successful i seem to be is the action i need top take today. the real reality is that i am dealing with a reservation or two, and have been over the past couple of months. instead of facing them head on, i have been doing what i always do, stuffing and denying. each time i stuff a feeling, i provide one more salvo for the part of me that i call my disease to fire at the life that has been given to me. by a loving and caring HIGHER POWER.
so what is there left to do? well for this addict, i am recommitting to my program, i can make it new by using or i can make it new by admitting that i am still that lost soul who wandered into the rooms ten years ago and was unprepared to face life on life’s terms. that admission, coupled with the fact that i am without defenses against my next use, may be just the little kick in the ass i have been needing for so long. i can recover, i cannot use no matter what. my decision today is that am i worth doing what i need to do to move forward or should i just keep treading water and hope that i get what i need. i choose action and right now i am surrendering to the fact that i am powerless over my addiction and my life is unmanageable. i making a decision to do what it takes to surrender once again to the program and see what life has in store for me today. yes i have some catching-up to do, and yes it will take more than making a decision, but today i am worth it and will take the action i need to take to buttress my recovery instead of whining about how i feel. life is after all, much better for me when i am active in my program.

∞ DT ∞