Blog entry for:

that is the result of truly living a FIRST STEP, is a whole lot more permanent than the next shiny new thing. this may sound braggy and perhaps it is, but today, on the twenty-first time i read this reading, i finally heard the part of relying more on the POWER that fuels my recovery to fill the void that active addiction did its worst to create. yes, i am having an issue or two with being humble and being an ego-driven maniac.i have lost my balance there and it is starting to affect how i see the world and everyone else who happens to cross my path. finally the pain of not doing my latest iteration of STEP ONE, is coming home to roost and i am finding that my life is becoming more unmanageable.
i am coming to see, at least in this moment, that the lack of balance between who i am and who i want the world to see, is more than likely a smokescreen for what is not being addressed, namely the fact that as part of my spiritual path, i find that deism is more than a bit bothersome to me, once again. it is not like a thousand bees stinging me, as it once was, it is as if a thousand ladybugs are crawling over my skin. annoying, disconcerting but not painful. as a result i want to retreat into the safety of isolation and retreat and find myself a nice spiritual hole to hunker down in and wait for the crisis to pass. nit is the reading this morning that reminds me that no matter how enticing that solution may seem, it will create a life that is far from ideal, in any sense of the word. no what i “heard” this morning was to write the dang list, take the dang inventory and surrender one again to the process that has got you this far. part of that surrender is to remember that the removal of the obsession to use drugs does not mean that i am no longer an addict. yes the use of a double negative there is correct i am still an addict. i still accept that as fact and i also accept as fact that my miserable spiritual state is my responsibility, as it was my inaction that brought it about, to start with.
so with that said, i guesss i will turn my attention to the task at hand, the thing i am paid the big bucks to get done, namely my job, after all i have yet to have an income that does not require work.

∞ DT ∞