ยฟ do i understand ?
Posted: Fri, Jan 29, 2021 06:49:52 AM
certainly a great question for my consideration this morning, as i have returned to my **normal** routine after a week of that routine being tossed into the blender, for one reason or another. just thinking about what i did and did not understand, back in the day and what i do understand today, sends me down so many rabbit holes that Alice might be jealous. as i sat this morning, what came to me, once i got rid of the anger i felt towards my Mom, was a sense of maybe i really do “'get it.”
i have to admit that i was a bit harsh with my Mom yesterday afternoon, as i thought she treated my Dad with utter disrespect and even some contempt. yes, the judge, jury and executioner were out in full force. i did not say anything about that to her, as i felt it was not my place. what i did speak harshly to her insistence that she is in some sort of prison, because of her declining health, in reality, her health is improving and IF she would choose to make the effort to do more for herself, she might once again be able to participate more in her life and actually have the ability to end up on a white sand beach, drinking a Piña Colada. i said without any equivocation that i thought part of her “prison” was of her own making and many of the daily tasks in her life were really well withing her abilities to complete. in other words i said get out of your chair and start owning that will not does not mean can not. i have never tried to help someone that is so stubborn that they will not even attempt to use Google, because they never have done it in the past.
what came to my last night and again this morning, is that forgiveness needs to be my watchword. forgiving myself for being a judgmental a$$hole and forgiving her for wallowing in her role of being the victim. that “wrong” will be admitted out loud this afternoon, when i do my daily check-in. forgiving myself is bit easier as i seem to have to do that nearly every day, especially when it comes to taking care of my parents and sharing that responsibility with my siblings. forgiving her for treating my Dad that way yesterday, may take a bit more work, as i am not sure what she is feeling, because she is not good at talking about her feelings. i can see a whole shit-ton of misplaced anger in how she sees the world and how life is treating her. i understand anger and fear, but i am not quite sure she does and maybe she needs to have someone far wiser than me, to talk to.
it is time to wrap this up for the day, as the streets beckon and i really want to get some “outside” miles under my belt this morning. it is a great day to be clean and a better day to walk with assurance that if i truly take the action suggested in Step One, i will be able to see my way clear to letting go of what i think i understand and embrace that which i actually do, just for today.
i have to admit that i was a bit harsh with my Mom yesterday afternoon, as i thought she treated my Dad with utter disrespect and even some contempt. yes, the judge, jury and executioner were out in full force. i did not say anything about that to her, as i felt it was not my place. what i did speak harshly to her insistence that she is in some sort of prison, because of her declining health, in reality, her health is improving and IF she would choose to make the effort to do more for herself, she might once again be able to participate more in her life and actually have the ability to end up on a white sand beach, drinking a Piña Colada. i said without any equivocation that i thought part of her “prison” was of her own making and many of the daily tasks in her life were really well withing her abilities to complete. in other words i said get out of your chair and start owning that will not does not mean can not. i have never tried to help someone that is so stubborn that they will not even attempt to use Google, because they never have done it in the past.
what came to my last night and again this morning, is that forgiveness needs to be my watchword. forgiving myself for being a judgmental a$$hole and forgiving her for wallowing in her role of being the victim. that “wrong” will be admitted out loud this afternoon, when i do my daily check-in. forgiving myself is bit easier as i seem to have to do that nearly every day, especially when it comes to taking care of my parents and sharing that responsibility with my siblings. forgiving her for treating my Dad that way yesterday, may take a bit more work, as i am not sure what she is feeling, because she is not good at talking about her feelings. i can see a whole shit-ton of misplaced anger in how she sees the world and how life is treating her. i understand anger and fear, but i am not quite sure she does and maybe she needs to have someone far wiser than me, to talk to.
it is time to wrap this up for the day, as the streets beckon and i really want to get some “outside” miles under my belt this morning. it is a great day to be clean and a better day to walk with assurance that if i truly take the action suggested in Step One, i will be able to see my way clear to letting go of what i think i understand and embrace that which i actually do, just for today.
∞ DT ∞