Blog entry for:

a Higher Power. slowly, as i pursue my program, the radiance of recovery dispels the darkness of addiction. some days it feels way too slow, and others it just rockets away taking me to places that i never dreamed existed. be that as it may, this morning i am wondering whether i really am grateful for the gift of recovery. like any other gift, there are responsibilities, that sometimes feel way to onerous to bear. other days, the responsibility of keeping my gift is quite light and one that i seem to do automatically. the worse part of this is i never can tell which day it will be when i get started. so exactly where am i going with this? well the reading spoke to me of the necessity of giving away the gift of my recovery, if i want to keep it. the vehicle of giving it away, is through my actions in living the twelfth step. so why would i ever find that a burden? well for one, i did not come to the program especially social, and as i grow through the steps the old feeling of wanting to be left alone arises from time to time. when that feeling returns, the last thing i want to do is interact with someone else about the program of recovery. however, the first thing i have been told to do, and what is often put in front of my face, is someone with whom i need to interact and share my experience, strength and hope. so it goes, my developing relationship with the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN, gives me tasks to do choose to do, especially when i do not want to do them. this evening is one of those nights i am dreading. i get to carry a meeting to a group of addicts that are unable to get to a meeting, then i have a nasty group conscience to be a part of. i am looking forward to the first part of my evening and dreading the second part, and what i really need to do this morning, is to surrender to the fact, that it will be what it will be, regardless of what i feel, and all i need to do is be present for the day, look for what i am supposed to learn today and let go of the results. simple? of course! easy? not by a long shot but a path upon which i can choose to walk, if i decide to make that particular journey. so with a deep breath, a heavy sigh, it is off to showers to get on the road i need to trod upon today.

∞ DT ∞