Blog entry for:

that was freely given to me, by those were in the rooms when i got here, is without a doubt what i consider the greatest git i have ever received. it is true, although i have much to be grateful for, wanting to live and enjoy my life, is the ONE gift that stands out when i consider where i am today. as my 62nd birthday approaches, i wonder how the f*ck i got so old? seriously, someone like me, a daily user who often took it to the limits of survival. should not have outlived my active addiction. in fact, when i got clean, i was quite certain that i was rusting away and would not survive another decade of living. and i have already doubled that mark. it is true, i had started my fade to black and was more than certain that i would end up using, every single day, until the day came that i could not get up and go any more. among the things i have learned in recovery is that once was, no longer has to define who i am today.
which brings me to something that had been rolling around in my head for a week now. one of the men i once sponsored said something a week ago, that struck a chord within me. he stated that he was coming to the conclusion that he did not need to be defined by his “diagnosis.” he used that statement as a weapon against the acceptance of being powerless over addiction. whether or not that is what keeps him “around” recovery rather than in recovery i will not say. i know for me, it started me thinking about what addiction is and how it affects my life. since my “diagnosis” as an addict was not done by the courts, a therapist, a treatment facility, my family or my peers in recovery; i was given the freedom to arrive at that conclusion myself by reviewing the evidence of my life before recovery. as i peeked at how i was living and to what i owed by continues existence i was appalled that it was the substances that i used and not any spark of decency or life. it is not as if i got clean and became a beacon of hope, but i did get clean and have remained so, against all odds, so perhaps today i am some sort of beacon.
sitting here, many days after getting clean, it is not all that hard to stay clean. what troubles me today, is not the uncontrollable use of drugs, but a whole set of behaviors driven by addiction and how they affect my life. the hope, at least for me, is that maybe, if i keep coming back and coming back clean, that these too will be removed from my daily life. i may claim to be be an addict and wear that mantle without reservations, but that does not mean i have to use the rest of my life to find relief from life on its own terms. today the gift i have to give away, is the HOPE that being an addict does not make unfit for the world at large and that i do not need to be locked up to protect society from my worst parts.

∞ DT ∞