Blog entry for:

that which has been freely and gratefully given to me. i am of the type that really does like being told i MUST do this or i MUST do that. that word starts the whole rebellion gig going in my head and as a result i usually end-up doing something entirely wrong, just because my reactions to the word MUST have become so hard-wired within me. even when i KNOW better, i some times just do what i MUST NOT, so i can say, “HA! I WILL SHOW YOU!”
the end result is hardly what i desired, but at least i have played my little rebellion game, and i can blame the consequences of my actions on that silly four letter combination, and not on myself, after all don'lt you know who the fVck i am?
ah, the joys of rationalization and justification, one of my favorite parties, to say the least. getting past the word MUST is part of what the program has taught me. the STEPS allow me to alter those behaviors that are hard-wired within, whether or not that wiring comes from the genetic load that i was given when i was born, or from the culture that has been influencing me before i was able to understand the messages they were sending me. unfortunately, the source ultimately makes no difference, both are equally difficult to counter, so the whole nature versus nurture argument is pretty much moot. what difference does it make if addiction comes from genes or from culture, in the long or even short run. the truth is, that i have to find the means to counter it in my every day living. where is this diversion into reactions, and addiction going? in the program the word ‘MUST’ is used over and over again. i know they could have just was well wrote ‘IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT’ or ‘WE STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT’, but they chose for whatever reason not to do so. it is therefore up to me, to get past the connotations i attach to the word MUST to move in the direction that i desire. which brings me back to the point that started this whole treatise. giving away to keep what i have.
even after i get past the MUST in that statement, there are still problems for me. i am by nature selfish and self-centered,. it is counter-intuitive to me, that in order to keep something i MUST give it away. it would seem that in order for me to keep something i JUST keep it and do whatever i can to prevent anyone from getting it from me. so once i get post the must, i need to get past the behaviors, attitudes and feelings that have been altered by active addiction. as i move into a state of acceptance that what i have is a gift from those who went before me, that they NEEDED to give me, in order to KEEP it, i can finally understand on a gut level what i MUST do. more importantly WHY i MUST do it. the sum total of the experience of the thousands who have walked this path before me, is that is the only way it works. IF i want what THEY have to offer than i MUST do what they do PERIOD. i may find that sort of thinking abhorrent to me, but the results speak for themselves. as i see myself as a rational, cause and effect sort of guy, who is opening himself up to a spiritual existence, the preponderance of the evidence moire than leans in that direction. so the MUSTS can become NEEDS for me, based on the conditional statements that have been offered me. so service in and of itself, takes on a whole new meaning, which for an addict like me, cause more than a moment to pause and contemplate how and when i can give away the gift of recovery. more importantly, how to let go of the results when i give that gift away.
which of course can lead into thousands and thousands of more words, which right now feels more like a diversion to me than what i really need to do. what i FEEL i NEED to do, is get out and get a workout in. get on to the next task of the day and accomplish some stuff, and not go on and on about this particular paradox of the program. so with that in mind, i will do my level best to give away my recovery, with all its attendant gifts, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞