Blog entry for:

for **i can only keep what i have by giving it away.**
ah the paradox of the program, here i sit at work, putting out a fire, and trying to write something witty and pithy about life in recovery and what i have to give away, and all i can do is spin, spin spin.
so a quick breath and a moment to clear my head and i am ready to roll again.
the wondrous thing about this gift of recovery, is the fact that i can work at all, and that i have anything TO give away.
there was a time when all i wanted to keep all that was mine, and most of what was yours as well. the truth was, the harder i held on to it, the faster it slipped away and in the end, i really had nothing at all. no material wealth, no serenity, no love, no respect from myself or anyone else, and very few feelings. in that sad state, i actually believed i was happy, at least the drugs still worked, even though it took more and more of them, to get away from the reality that was pressing in.
this morning, as i drove into work, one of the men i sponsored gave me a call, about what happened yesterday. i really wanted to say, “see how it feels,” BUT i did not, and truthfully i am clueless about why not. perhaps, that is a symptom of my growth, perhaps it is a symptom of surrender, or more than likely, because it just did not feel like i would be giving away anything worthwhile, in that instance.
where do i go from here? well out to make my daily call to a friend, and walk away so i can clear my head, and from there? back on to the frustrating task that has consumed me over the past few days. it is after all, a great day to give away everything that i want to keep.

∞ DT ∞