Blog entry for:

the spiritual awakening that was started when i stopped using.
so there is more than one direction to go this morning as i ponder these words of wisdom, such as they are. the whole notion that my spirit need to be awakened was not only foreign to me when i walked into the rooms, but actually more than a little repulsive. who the fVck were these people, to tell my i had a spiritual void, that was bottomless and expressed by an insatiable appetite to get high? i mean here they were, babbling on and on about a theistic look at the world, claiming that staying clean was the result of their admonitions and pleas to some sort of deity, acting and speaking like some superstitious denizen of the 14th century, kowtowing and worshiping pictures of two old white guys on the wall. at least in the fellowship i finally ended up in, the iconic hero worship of the founders was not part of the plan. and yet, even here it seemed that this whole deity based recovery, smacked of cultism and would be nothing that i could or would surrender to, ever!
well my ignorance and arrogance, took some time to be dismantled, and here i sit more than a few days later, praising the fellowship that showed me a new manner in which to live. that deity, that i heard so many talking on and on about, well that has not been adopted into my life, and yet i GET to stay clean yet another day. the false humility that all things i have flow through that deity, is not also part of how i see the world. GOD did not pay my student loans, do my homework, work my steps or sit through interminable meetings where the usual suspects whined about spilling more than i ever drank. GOD did not suffer through the pangs of withdrawal, and the bone crushing JONES, that was my first six months of recovery. and GOD does not sit here every morning and type out what is on my mind. does that mean that i am anti GOD or anything like that? well i was at one time, way back when i was new. i walked through, being a part of the deistic part of my program and have arrived where i am, an incredibly spiritual way at looking at the world, that does not require the hand of a creative intelligence or a human-attribute loaded deity. by seeing the world through the lens of a POWER that fuels my recovery, and through that recovery, in a partnership with that POWER, all the gifts of this new manner of living are manifest, i get the best of two worlds. i GET to stay clean, acknowledge where the power and desire to do what iv takes to be a member of the NO MATTER WHAT CLUB, and take responsibility and yes THE credit for the consequences of my actions. trust me when i say consequences, because part of my outlook in this world view is that consequences are not necessarily something i find distasteful hence, judge as negative. for me, a consequence is what arises out of my choices and behaviors, PERIOD. this way of looking at things, is a start of the process of learning how to feel the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery,. instead of trying to read the signs and interpret that will intellectually. moving from a head-based notion to a heart-based one. it is expressed in me, by seeing those i share the rooms with as peers, regardless of the amount of clean time they may have. most importantly, i express that spark of life, by carrying the message to the still suffering, whether or not they have arrived in the rooms and made the admission that they are an addict. and yes, today i can be available to give away, all that the first members i encountered gave to me, the spark of HOPE, that the life of an using addict, is not what i have to look forward to today. and that my friends is the nature of my spiritual awakening this morning, i can and will be more than i was yesterday, IF i allow the program to work in me today.

∞ DT ∞