Blog entry for:

the darkness of addiction and replacing it with the radiance of recovery, once seemed like a unicorn to me, mythical, fantastical and certainly something i would never, ever see in my lifetime. after as minute or so clean and living a program of recovery, the darkness of addiction has been lifted from me, but in the “radiance” of recovery, i often find that are still dark, dank and dreary places. it is true that addiction no longer is the driving motive in my life, but recovery has not made my life anywhere close to perfect. i know that many of my peers go on and on and on about how “transformed” their lives are, seeming to ignore that part of that transformation is a whole new set of problems. i also see many of my peers speaking about how they are living the program, but seem to be caught in the same traps that they built when they were using, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. even now, i am still learning how to be open with what is going on with me, to those with whom i share my life. being cold, aloof and closed down was what i was taught to do, and that served me well in active addiction. to pretend that, even after some clean time, i have given that all up, would be disingenuous and today i am more about living what i talk than just sharing about how well i am doing that walk.
today, after dealing with my parents, my siblings and myself, i am in a fairly good place. i allowed myself to make a compromise and sleep in for an additional forty-five minutes this morning. the consequences of that action may be a bit of cramping when i take off for my morning workout. accomplishing what i have planned this morning, is something of a priority for me. in the long run, the world will not stop spinning, if i do not get out to the streets by eight-fifteen, nor will i turn into a pillar of salt, either figuratively or literally. one of the gifts that i can give away this morning, is the ability to stop taking myself so seriously and to allow others the FREEDOM to be who they are, even when i judge them and find them lacking. over the next few days, i may actually have the opportunity to see three of the men who call me their sponsor and perhaps i will have something to give them, when we get together, that is my HOPE anyhow. so it is time to make the donuts and get my miles done for the day.

∞ DT ∞