Blog entry for:

that began when i stopped using, is certainly something i want to offer to the men i sponsor, my peers and those with whom i interact with on a daily basis. sitting for the little bit of time, i could this morning, i was struck by a very disturbing realization. that realization was that i had of the most intense and heinous using dreams i have ever had, last night. using dreams are not all that unusual, but this one happened after i did my writing assignment and did an inventory about my powerlessness. the disturbing part of all of this sequence of events, is the power addiction still holds over me, even after a minute clean. here i was doing the next right thing, finally, and i am “rewarded” with a restless night and a very vivid and graphic using dream, featuring a cast of many of my peers in recovery. it was a very humbling experience, and if i was one one to believe in signs, it might be enough to dissuade me from looking at that list and digging a bit deeper. i am a stubborn son of gun and what that nasty little dive into the bottomless cenote of my subconscious did was strengthen my resolve to continue on this journey.
one of the the items on my list is that i am powerless what other addicts, my peers and my sponsees do with the offerings i freely give them. i give away what i have, because it is the next right thing to do. i would like to think that there are no strings attached, that i give away my stuff freely. the fact is, i get butt-hurt, when they choose to do nothing and allow my gifts to rot in some dark, dank corner, while they trot through life running on self-will and leaving a wake of destruction within themselves.
sitting here and putting that out on the semi-permanent state of the interwebs, makes it a whole lot more real for me, not as real, mind you, as writing it down in ink, in my step work notebook, but certainly real enough. i can see now, that attitude comes from the low sense of self-worth, that still runs helter-skelter through my life, from time to time. if they are not using what i am giving, than it must not be worth anything. if it is not worth anything, than i must not be worth what i think i am and from there the spin down the toilet bowl of self-abuse, shame and futility starts.
as an addict suggested last night, when i catch myself in a lie, write down the evidence to the contrary. so here goes. i am clean today, that in and of itself demonstrates some value. i have been clean for a few days in a row. i work the steps of the program i have been given, under the direction of a man i choose to call my sponsor. i have has many spiritual awakenings and the first one was, way back when, that unless i choose to do this for myself, and by this i mean recovery, i will be destined to a empty, lonely life that will not be ended soon enough. it took eighteen months of accepting and discarding the gifts of others, before i came to that point, so why should those who are in my life be any different than i was? accepting the notion that i am wroth doing this recovery gig, demonstrates to this addict that he does have worth and what i give away does have value,whether those gifts are used or not., which deflates the BIG LIE i just caught myself in. the fake news, as it were, is that i was “rewarded” with a using dream, because i did step work. the real newsflash is that i had a using dream and whether or not step work had anything to do with it is unable to be determined. proximity does not always indicate causation. with that in mind, i do believe i will mosey on down to work and earn my daily bread, just for today.

∞ DT ∞