Blog entry for:

is to help others to find what i have found.
well if i was to be critical this morning, i would say that this particular reading is quite a difficult one to read due to its grammatical construction. how the glaring flaws in syntax and usage escaped the editor’s baleful glare is beyond me. but of course focusing on language and not on content is probably, nay, definitely the manner i should be approaching this little ditty of a brain dump. it puts off what i NEED to be doing and shifts the focus off of me and my attitudes and problems and on to an inanimate object. this diversion process goes on frequently in my life, and it certainly is not a gift of recovery. it may appear, that i am just writing to be writing this morning, but what i am winding up for is this, recognizing the fact that i am avoiding the topic at hand, is a spiritual gift. i have a sponsee or two, who start talking about the weather or motorcycles, or even someone else, when i ask them a direct question about how things are progressing in their recovery. they, like me launch into the often interesting but totally irrelevant topics instead of facing the issue at hand. although i cannot speak to another person’s motives, i can tell you that when i divert the issue, i am trying to avoid something painful. so exactly what is painful about the reading today for me? well lately i have been isolating from the fellowship, bolting after meetings and generally making myself unavailable. the attitude in my head, the one that is constantly being buttressed by the part of me i call my disease, is that i have nothing to offer anyone, so why even be a part of anything right now. this morning, thanks to my girlfriend, i see that for the lie it is. i am isolating myself, i am finding fault with everyone and everything, and i am bored in recovery because the part of me that i call my disease does not want me to move through the stuff i happen to be facing right now. simply put, i have had an awakening of the spirit this morning and i am tired of listening to the voice of my disease. today i choose to recover and will offer this little bit of HOPE: if an addict like me can stay clean and learn to recover for more than one day, so can you! i used every single day when i was active and as often as possible when i was my final days of active addiction. i was miserable when i was not high and made sure everyone around me was miserable also. today, right here and right now i am happy and willing to do what it takes to get through today without using. what has been puzzling me the most was the dichotomy that i had set-up in my mind: i believed that i knew everything i needed to know about recovery when the truth is that the longer i stay clean the less i actually know and the more i have to rely on the members who have gone before me. i am learning to walk once again after so many years on my knees and i have been presented with a new step, that is difficult to learn and takes practice. that step is how to make my recovery new again after a bit of time clean. well today i am working on amazement that this program can and will work for me, all i have to do is let it!

∞ DT ∞