Some memes

giving away the spiritual gift of recovery is certainly a task i am up to today. it is interesting that some of my peers attempt to do so with great flourish, by circling or starring their phone number when they add it to a meeting list for a newcomer. others by ambushing the newest members before they have a chance to leave the room. although i could easily use either of those techniques, for me, carrying the message is sport of like doing a good deed, it is no longer a good deed once i draw attention to my actions. i am okay with asking a FNG if they want to talk at the end of a meeting and i am equally okay if they say no. i do not believe in forcing anyone to hear a litany of what recovery has done for me, when they are attempting to get several days in a row of clean time. i am also not of the belief that i have to share at every single meeting, especially when i am sharing just to hear the sound of my own voice. my days of having to justify my existence in the rooms and carry a bigger presence, have long since passed. i know who i am. i know where i belong and most of all, i am comfortable fitting in that exact place.
this morning as i work towards getting out to the Rec Center, what keeps popping off the stack is my relationships with two of my peers who are guests of the Boulder County Sheriff. with one of them, i have reached an agreement as to the nature of our relationship and how we will interact. the other, not so much, as he has been locked up for quite some time and when he was out on the streets, he slipped back into some very familiar and comfortable behaviors, that have landed him in jail, once again. i am in a tough spot, because it seems i am the last house on the block for him and yet when he could have freely and gratefully accepted what i was giving, he chose to spurn that opportunity and ended-up where he is today. the notion i am struggling with, is how much more do i have the desire to give him and can i truly forgive and forget? i understand the behavior of “coming to GOD” when my ass is in a sling, been there, done that got the T-shirt. i also “get” that i am responsible for my deeds, words and reactions as i walk through a day in this gig called life. it is true, that i often have to own up to being “wrong.” it is also true that on many days i do not, as i carefully considered my next action and decide i was unwilling to accept any undesirable consequences. as i continue to redefine my relationship, i can see that it is me who has to change and not him, as he is almost certainly institutionalized.
as i drive out into this frosty morning, i will consider how best to freely and gratefully give away what i have been given. i know that recovery is truly the gift that keeps giving and i can quietly allow myself to show others that this recovery gig can be done, just for today, for thousands of days in a row, just for today.

∞ DT ∞