Blog entry for:

i took my First Step only when i had evidence that addicts could recover in the fellowship that was offering me a new life. lots of fodder for writing this morning, powerlessness, First Step and surrender just to list a few. what hit me the hardest this morning was the nature of what was being offered to me, way back when i was starting this journey. i was not so uncertain of what the program offered to others, no my uncertainty was all about whether it would work for me, if i chose to surrender. i was talking to another addict about a dark place i still go from time to time, i finally have a bit of understanding about it, what i used to call my realist was actually my cynic. there was no black and white. during the progression of my active disease i went from a bright-eyed idealist, to a dedicated cynic. there was a time in my recovery, when i believed that my active addiction had actually destroyed that idealistic person that had come from the HOPE of a brighter future. the cynical person i had become, was in full control when i stepped into the rooms, and remained in control for quite a bit of time. that part of me, did not want to HOPE for anything better, and had taught me how to settle for so much less.
well the dark place i go these days, is the battle between the cynic and the idealist, neither sees the world in shades of grey and both insist that their world view is the correct one. what happens is i spew a bit to someone else, allowing the cynic to speak his mind and when all of that poison is out, i can see that the world is somewhere in between those two extremes. i see the world for what is is really is through the eyes of an idealistic cynic, or perhaps a more accurate term would be a realist. i can still look for the best in the world, have HOPE for a brighter future and that the motives of others are beyond my reproach, but understand that i am dealing with humans in all their glorious imperfections, and move into a place where i can now work with them with a clear conscience.
i guess what this says is that i am learning how to surrender to the complexities of living in the real world, and buffering the effect that others have on me through an application of the spiritual principles of the program that allows me to live in this manner. yes i will have the internal tempests that spill out into life, but allowing myself flexibility by accepting them rather than resisting them will make me healthier and in the long run a bit wiser.
so off to live in the real world and see what i can get done this morning!

∞ DT ∞