Blog entry for:

that this recovery gig could possibly for me. even to this day, i am amazed that of all the starts and stops i have had in my life, the one constant since that night in New Jersey, oh so many days ago, is a program of recovery that has made me the person i am today. my ongoing tale of worry and woe over my niece and her continued presence took a turn for the worst, once again last night. i had suspected she was “playing” and manipulating me, but i allowed myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. i may have had my head buried in the sand, but my eyes are wide open once again and i understand that what i knew for facts, have not been altered one jot. she is still doing her best to maintain whatever control that she can and it is my time to step up to my responsibility, as much as i hate to step back into that pile of shit, that is her excuse-ridden version of “adulting.” i guess it is my turn to “game” her a bit and see what happens.
this morning, as i sat, after dealing with the garbage surrounding my niece and her current status, i was freed to look at how i fit into the world around me. as an addict in recovery i have always felt like i was a round peg in a square hole. sure i fit, but i never filled all the space that i could. each day, i fill my space a bit more, but i doubt that i will ever be truly “square” with the world, and will always have “rounded corners.” coming to accept that as my possible destiny, provide me the willingness to continue down this path of recovery. today, as i look out at the winter scene that is the reality of this early spring morning, i know that stuff changes on a daily basis. what “bothered” me to the point of distraction as i attempted to fall asleep last night, is a saga that ends in three weeks. and in five weeks or so, i will be freed from the house my parents died in and ready to move on with my life. whether or not my niece will, move on with hers is yet to be seen. i can say this however, my experience with her and her games has taken every once of goodwill i once felt towards her and when it comes time to decide how much, if anything , she may get from my Mom's estate, i will advocate for a whole lot of nothing.
i could go on, but to what point. i am willing to do what i need to do today to be more whole and genuine. i am willing to live a life based in spiritual principles. i am willing to allow myself the freedom to take a risk or two and savor any success and learn from any failure. most of all, i am willing to be the best person, forgiving, loving and responsible, i can be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞