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is certainly one of my favorite themes, and the ONE that will most likely lead to consequences that i do not find appealing.
over the past few days, i have been tossing around in my head, how to disengage socially from a peer that i have come to dislike. as i am letting go and allowing the world to spin as it will. i know what i see in them, is stuff i see in myself and the difference, at least as far as i can see, is that i am willing to abandon the story i used for so long, to seek a better version of myself.
moving along to me, after all, this is what this little exercise is all about, it took extraordinary effort to let go of my feelings of anger, bile and bitterness towards my peer. when all is said and done what i am left with is an odd combination of sympathy, pity and empathy, because i really do not know how to break their destructive cycle, and of course, if i was in their shoes, i would never ask a trusted peer what was wrong either. when i am hiding what i am afraid to change from the world and from those who have shown me how to live this life of recovery. i NEVER have been comfortable letting others see my flaws or allowing others into my life enough to even detect them. even after some days clean, i often find myself slinking around in the shadows or sitting stone faced and silent in a room of my peers, trying to weave together a share that is not all “fluff”, that will enhance my esteem with the members in attendance and not reveal what is really going on. that is just who i am and it is certainly not who i want to be.
the story i tell myself to keep the barbarians on the other side of the gate, is that IF everyone saw everything about who and what i am, i would be friendless, penniless and homeless, as i would be seen as unfit for human company. the theme of not being worthy, is a persistent one in my life and the behaviors i developed in active addiction to keep then world from seeing it and them at bay, linger on to this day. the hope? as i have promised myself that i no longer stay in the dark, is that just for today, i can be better at being who i am, instead of playing trained monkey to the part of me i call addiction. my peer? well i think i will just let that go and become who i need to be today. they will do what they will do and if they ask, i will certainly let them know what i observe. for me, i can cony=tine o walk in the light of active recovery and see f i can bring a bit of that life into the lives i touch today, just for today.

∞ DT ∞