Blog entry for:

over addiction, and that my life was unmanageable, despite all evidence to the contrary. theses days even after five thousand three hundred days in a row without using, this attitude creeps back in, from time to time. although i would love to naively call it denial, i cannot, it is flat out REFUSAL, and REFUSAL will kill me much quicker than denial.after all, knowing something and still behaving as if it is not true, is not a prudent course of action.
how do i know that i am an addict? well quite simply, when in active addiction i used against my will, time and time again. in early recovery, i could not stop thinking about using and i counted the minutes until i could safely use again. if that was not enough evidence, some of my most fondest memories are the so-called goof times where getting FUBAR was the major part of that memory. finally, i remember quite vividly the first time i got high, the thrill, the feeling of ease, the sense of relief and wonderment of where had it been all of my life, not that much unlike falling ion love, in a certain sense.
knowing i am an addict and refusing to admit it, accept it or surrender to it, is what keeps me from growing up. not that i really want to be an adult, but as i approach 55 it is time to be that much more responsible for my life, and the only way i know that i can be, is through a program of ACTIVE recovery. that program, for me, and do not get me wrong, i am not telling anyone WHAT THEY SHOULD DO, that is your decision, this is what works for me, and if you want what i have… anyhow where was i before i diverted myself? oh yeah, what an active program of recovery is for me.
first off, i must admit that i am an addict, each and every day. that fact does not change, regardless of how long i have been clean. then i must surrender to my addiction and admit total defeat, clean time does not matter, my butt has been whupped by addiction and even though i have not sued, that too is an unchanging fact.
from there the path goes upward, since i am POWERLESS and my life is UNMANAGEABLE, i need help from an outside force, lest inertia will carry me back to where i was, so i come to believe that a POWER that is greater than me, CAN restore me to sanity and i surrender my will and my life into ITs quite capable care. from there the rest is gravy and i get to stay clean another day. the members i interact with, the literature that is the core of the program and more importantly the events of my day, teach me how to apply all that i need to apply, once i have entered a state of active recovery, my job is to be awake and present for all of that.
anyhow, as early as it is, i need to head on down south, as today is that day this month. it is a good day to be an addict and even better day to be clean and in recovery,. i know what i am and just for today i can accept that and do what i need to do.

∞ DT ∞