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S.trength, and H.ope. these days, with all the self-isolating advice going on, i find it difficult to get the ESH, i desire. i have to admit, it is not for the lack of opportunity, there are all sorts of online meetings. what i do not get, is the one-on-one experience of the **meetings after the meeting,** and the close face-to-face contact with my peers. ironically, i am one of those who lacks a whole lot of social skills, a social **retard** as it were, BUT i miss the opportunity to use the sparse skill-set i have developed since getting clean. seems like a very trivial concern when the economy is spinning down into a depression, a pandemic is underway and i have friends, peers and associates who do not have a paycheck coming in. a bit of gratitude that i CAN attend an online meeting and remain connected via modern technology, is probably more appropriate in these troubling times.
after delving into some “positive” i do know that as of right now, if i desire to, i can get some of that personal contact with those who are suffering through this same stuff. at the end of my active addiction, i was alone and isolated, and had come to accept that as a permanent feature of my life. it was not that i desired that state of being, it just was the easier, softer way. dealing with people, especially in my case, took all sorts of efforts and i lacked any sort of understanding about relationships, save how to “manage” them to get what i wanted. these days, i am coming to NEED social contact outside of my home and the circumstances of life these days, preclude me getting much of that at all. i have to use what is available and glean the ESH i desire from those tools.
moving on to the next notion off the stack, i have been wondering how many of my peers will use the current situation as a rationalization to pick-up. i had a using dream the other night and for the first time, ever probably, i used but did not get “high.” i am not a big one for “signs,” but today, as i contemplate the the way that dream made me feel, perhaps it is a sign that i am not doing enough to foster my recovery, no matter how difficult is may be. as i prepare to head out and get some miles in, very early today, i think i will let that thought be part of what i do not think about as the world rolls by at four and a half miles per hour.

∞ DT ∞