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i NEED in a fellowship of other addicts who are recovering, just for today. sometimes, not saying anything at all, is the best policy. there is a whole bunch on mind, especially the purported clean date of an addict who is no longer around. or better put, not a frequent attendee at any of the local meetings i frequent. there is also the newcomer who is making their way back into the rooms, angry that they are being talked about, and yet still not doing much of anything to clean up the sh!t they tossed all over the fellowship. in fact, doing their best to ignore the stench and pretend it never happened, and hoping that because we do not shoot our wounded, we will ignore it as well. then of course there was the addict in active addiction i chose to friend on FaceBook for about six hours on Saturday. finally, getting rid of all the crap that is cluttering my mind, there is the other side of the story, who happened to show up at the meeting last night, being enabled to do what they choose to do, and still not do anything to support themselves or their child. so while all this stuff about other people rolls around in my head, i am certainly blocked from hearing and writing what i need to today. hopefully, i can move on and write about what i do find here, in this fellowship, when i choose to discard the crap i do not need to be part of my life.
with all of that going on, how can i expect to trust that the fellowship will provide me the experience, strength and hope, that i need to have another day clean? i could simply say a “leap of FAITH,” is what i will be required to make, BUT that is far too simplistic and when i consider it, not really necessary. i have seen with my own two eyes, heard with my own two ears and felt with my heart and soul, that this fellowship DOES and WILL continue to, provide me with the experience, strength and hope, i need to live in this new manner. after all, people like me do not stay clean one day, let alone over 5000 days in a row. people like me, are lucky if they can stop using all but one substance and linger at the bottom of pond, trying to glean sustenance from the tidbits that are dropped from the more productive members of society. people like me, give themselves a black eye, so they can garner the pity of all who see me and get enabled to keep doing what i am doing. yes, people like, me, have no HOPE, no future and very little left in their lives to look forward to.
i am not, however like people like me in any of the ways anymore, because i found a group of people like me, who decided the lie was dead, and that they wanted to live a life that did not include any of that. they presented a simple structure for me to follow, and promised that if i was diligent in the application of these principles i would achieve freedom from active addiction, and i have. the side effect of this freedom, is that to0day, i live in such a different manner, that it is hard to believe that i am like people like me, anymore. today, safe and secure in the fellowship, i can dream, i can have hope and yes i can plan for a future that goes way beyond my next fix. speaking of which, my life,m not my next fix, it is time to get headed down the road. life is good this morning and i am content that i got rid of my garbage, so i can see the flowers that were growing underneath all that crap. it is after all, a good day to put my FAITH and TRUST into a group of people, just like me.

∞ DT ∞