Blog entry for:

in the fellowship.
well, as i move into a new step,. on this new day, after ignoring a new call last night, i am struck by where i just might be today. right, up side the head as a matter of fact. it really is not my responsibility to bail the men i sponsor out, in any sense of the word and that has been something that i am quite apt to do, in every sense of the word. i may say, i will not use if you do not do your step work, and while true, it is a manipulative and shaming statement, part of the passive-aggressive behaviors, that i am quite familiar with and still exercise more often than i care to admit. the flip side of that same coin, is riding like the cavalry to their rescue, when they get their ass's in a sling. somewhere between pretending not to care and playing captain save-an-addict, there has to be some balance, and as i enter the TENTH STEP, i am starting to see, that i DO desire that balance today.
where does one begin to allow the changes to be manifest in one's life, yeah i know i head the strain of a syrupy seventies song, as i wrote that last bit myself. the answers to that question are being given to me, every single day. my job is to stop being so critical as to where those answers are coming from and hear what they are trying to say. yes, my answer may be buried under an avalanche of “likes̶ and clichés. yes my answer may be in the angry rantings of a newcomer. my answers may come from a self-obsessed addict with very low self-esteem, who tries to to anything to alter who they are. hell, my answers may even come from someone who is not even in the rooms. like it or not, i am powerless over where the next piece of information i desire comes from and even more powerless over where the clue i NEED may come from. it sucks, but as i get down to it, it is just what it is, and just as i am asking myself, what in the behaviors of others, pissed, me off today; so i am becoming cognizant of the fact that what i think about someone, is truly not relevant to whether or not they have anything to offer me. it is miraculous, that this addict, opinionated asshole that i am, can see that the path before me, is paved with letting go of my opinions and being open to digging for the gold in the pile of sh!t i am often given. that gold will only come from my allowing, my peers to give me what they have and learning to be grateful for the opportunity to allow that to happen.
it is however getting late and i do have to get over to work to earn my daily keep. life is good today and i want to be more than i ever was as well, perhaps i can solve the problem that has had me hung up for the past few days and move forward into the light of this brave new world.

∞ DT ∞