Blog entry for:

of recovery was not what kept me clean, back in the day. hell, that bond, if i even believed it existed was some pie-in-the-sky, Kum-By-Yah pile of crap, that others spouted off about, after they had partaken of the Kool-Ade. the cynic in me, kept me looking for the catch, all the while the hopeful optimist within, began to see that i could have that bond, if i lived the way those members did, day by day. it took more than a minute, but eventually the hopeful optimist won out and the cynic, although still hanging around,. was quieted enough for me to start to form that bond.
<BOOM> fast forward to the here and now.
today i am quite sure that it is the bond of recovery that keeps me connected to my peers and provides the FAITH i need to stay clean, just for today. i know that when i use the whole JFT concept, many of my peers cringe. i will not make a lifelong commitment to staying clean, as it feels far too overwhelming to me, even after some time of doing it on a daily basis. i am not certain that the newest of the new, wants to hear me say i will NEVER … or i ALWAYS will … one thing or another. the fact is, i hate anything that pins me down absolutely, as evidenced by the length of time it took me to surrender to the fact that i am an addict and that the addict is me. i accept that as fact today and my life is geared towards learning to live life in a state of recovery from what being an addict entails.
this morning, at the end of my first week back to work, i am finally figuring out how this gig will work, work that is, not the recovery stuff. the work stuff, just like the recovery stuff, requires a daily routine that does not go too far off the tracks on any given day. my recovery routine is the boundaries that define my day, and i am grateful that i am obsessive enough about some things, that i have become habituated to doing a daily regimen of recovery as well as fitness. now, if i can apply that to work, perhaps i will keep my job past the expiration date of my current contract. time will tell. it is however a good day to be clean and to honestly accept who and what i am, just for today. no need for lies, exaggerations, hysteria or drama. juist living life in the bond that connects me to my peers in recovery.

∞ DT ∞