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when i came to recovery, i had no doubts that i was self-reliant and self-sufficient, all i needed the rooms for was to comply with the conditions of my legal problems. i certainly did not trust anyone, i was not ready to admit that i even had a problem with using and most of all the last thing i needed was what was being offered -- A NEW WAY TO LIVE.
during that first year, with the help of my first sponsor, i finally accepted that maybe i did have a slight problem with using and could use some help learning how ‘not to use.’ i knew that i still had physical cravings and was still obsessed about using but i though that there might be a slight chance that those in the rooms could provide some minor relief from that condition.
shortly after my i year anniversary an event happened that would change the nature of my attitudes and finally allow me to accept the fellowship that saved my life. during my first year i was actually attending meetings in three fellowships, two that were very substance specific and NA. i never belonged anywhere and actually was considering pitching the whole thing. although the physical cravings had been lifted the obsession to use was still an ever-present force in my life. so in october 1998 i attended a convention in Greeley Colorado and for the first time heard that i did not need to attend a fellowship for each of the substances i used, that i had a single disease and not 2 or 3, and that there was hope for me after all. since that day i have chosen to find my recovery in NA and NA only. i finally accepted that those who preceded me in recovery may have the answer and that i all had to do was give over and become part of a single fellowship. i finally felt a bond with the people in the room, and i finally came to terms with the fact that i do not need to treat each symptom of my disease with a fellowship specific to that symptom and i finally started to find a new way to live.
this morning i feel grateful for the bond that i finally formed and being reborn after 25 years of living in the shadow of my disease. am i cured? not by a long shot! do i have hope that i can get through today without using? most certainly! can i do this alone? not a chance! and that is why this morning i am not only committed but a part of the fellowship that saved my life!
∞ DT ∞