Blog entry for:

me to accept myself and my life. spiritual principles like surrender, honesty, faith, and humility help relieve me of the burden of my past mistakes. so here is sit in very sunny and hot california, thinking about spiritual principles and how i will serve the fellowship. so back to the actual thought at hand, self-acceptance. the best part of finishing my seventh step before arriving at the service conference, is that i am quite a bit lighter spiritually, these days. physically i feel much better, and when i got here last night all i wanted to do was isolate. i wish i could call that an old behavior, i do know where it comes from, and the well of my isolation when i am with all these other members, is that i am afraid that i cannot be as spiritual, as well-informed, as eloquent or as anything as those who i see that have so much moire clean time. the irony of this is that when i am at home in service, i have none of those fears surface. there i am in my element, and feel like i have many clues, here i feel clueless and unworthy to be here, and that feeds the fear that somehow i will be found out and shown to be the fraud that i am.
so once again back to the topic, this morning i feel that i am okay just the way i am. i am not a spiritual giant, but i am not a spiritual pygmy either. i am well enough informed to understand what is going on, and am eloquent enough to express my opinion and the conscience of my region. yes i know that the real work does not start until monday or so, but this morning i have to accept that my region made no mistakes sending me here to be their voice, and all i have to do is allow them to speak through me. soert like some sort of medium channeling those voices from back home. so the time to get out of the room and become a part of this awesome event is upon me, i walk forward from here with the knowledge that it is the part of me i call my disease that keeps me from believing and accepting myself, and i may not be able to silence that voice, but i can certainly counter it with the chain of evidence that io am right where i am supposed to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞