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i have difficulty accepting my past and the self-image produced by it.  these days however, i can be grateful for all of my past, as i learn to accept that it is what GOT me to this point in my life. speaking of which, the recent past as in the last six days has been a whirlwind of chaos. late nights, long days and getting far too tired has made me wonder, what exactly is the plan for me, going forward.it is hard to be hopeful and have a little bit of FAITH, when one is too tired to stay awake during a meeting in jail. there is a part of me that wants to cut and run, letting everyone else sort it all out. after all, it was not my fault taht …
and yet i am the one who has to clean-up the mess. and so it goes, the truth of the matter is that, now that i am clean and have demonstarted some compassion, empathy and RESPONSIBILITY, it is expected, by others that i continue to do so. when i realize that in active addiction no one expected a whole lot out of me, i want to wax nostalgic and sometimes crave a return to those easier, softer days. that is off course the nature of nostalgia, i only remeber the good bits and the bytes of pain and suffering are dropped into the bit bucket and swept away.
the seed i used for this little exercise this morning, is all about the exact opposite of nostalgia. the part of me i call addiction, wants to reactivate my shame. when i am living in shame, there is no way i can accept myself as the product of my past, i become the victim of my past and seriously, who wants to be a victim? NOT ME, and there is a fix for that, it is at the end of my arm's reach and will certainly change how i feel, washing away the shame and bringing back the warm, fuzzy feeling of euphoric recall.
while that certainliy is A solution, it is one i choose not to exercise today. i ahve a tool to combat the shame i may feel about what i have done in the past, it is called active recovery. when i am in active recovery, i can better catch the lies i tell myself, before i start to believe them. yes, active addiction victimized me and many others. yes, there are more than afew things i can regret about my past. all of that, is exactly that, my past. living in active recovery, means that i can move past my past, so to speak, and live in the present. which of course is something i practice doing on a daily basis. living in the present and being prsent for how i am feeling, how i am behaving and how the wrold around me is reacting to all of that, gives me teh freedom to be a victim no more. as i come to accpt myself as the whole package, i live in shhame les often, the less often i live in shame, the more i can accept myself just the way i am, a postive feedback cycle, if you will. so learning t be more than i was yesterday, is what i tsk myself with today. accepting that there is a path for me, and it does not include teh uncontrolled use of drugs is certainly a good thing. accepting that i am who i am, is also a good thing. all of that goes to the task at hand: BEING OKAY JUST THE WAY I AM.
so with that i think will sign off and do something fun aand relaxing as i glide down 287 towards Denver.

∞ DT ∞