Blog entry for:

is through LIVING the Twelve Steps of recovery. yes i took a few liberties BUT what i used and what i changed fits where i am today, so there!
now that i am done being proactively petulant, i can really get into what i heard this morning and what i felt as a result. i was so clueless about what life had to offer me, way back when, and even after a few years clean. in fact, it was not until i had about a thousand days in a row abstinent, that i finally began to get a glimpse of what recovery REALLY was offering me, and HOW i could get it. if you have less than a thousand days clean and are reading this, DO NOT DESPAIR. my experience in this matter does not NEED to be yours. i was one tough nut to crack, as the cliché goes, as the internal and critic and cynic, once quite dominant in my life, still live on today.
anyhow, as i was saying, in those days, i was clueless about how much self-esteem i really had. it was not until the second set of steps, that i finally got a glimpse that my relationships were toxic, because i believed i was only worthy of toxic relationships. it was not the fault of those who danced those poisonous Paso Dobles with me, my lack of self-esteem was at the core and until i finally saw where i was, who i was and what the fVck i was doing to myself, i was doomed to keep repeating those familiar and comfortable patterns of behavior. truthfully, there are days when i wish i could return to those simpler times. when i did not realize what was going on, i could revert to my simple blame game, my petulant fury and move forward, ‘x-ing’ those who harmed me out of my life, never looking back with any sort of regret or remorse.
those days, fortunately are long gone, and the only way for me to return to them, is to allow active addiction to replace active recovery in my life. i know that i could probably survive and maybe even stay clean. i know that i might even be able to use moderately for some time. i also know, that with how i feel, what i know and what i see on the road ahead, could not be ignored for very long, and there would come a time when a decision to continue living in abstinence and self-will or return to the fold, so to speak would be upon me. so for me, right here and now, accepting what i now know and working the steps, in ALL of their GLORY, with the guidance of a sponsor, IS THE EASIER, SOFTER PATH.
i could go on, preaching to the choir and being so fVcking party line, as that is where i am today. seriously, i cannot find a loophole or even contradiction in any of what i heard this morning to attack the whole idea, that only through working the STEPS can I build my self-esteem. there are certainly other ways, and they may even be easier and have less cost, but i am not willing to explore any of those today. i landed in the rooms for a reason. SOMETHING got me here, and if the only reason i got here was to have a better life, than so be it, i can accept that premise and move forward into this day. i know i am where i was always meant to be. i know that i had to go through everything that it took to bring me here. and you know what? i am grateful this morning for that journey and the unknown road that lies ahead. it is a great day to have the desire to be in recovery and do whatever it takes to foster that recovery. so time to hit the streets running and see if i can get my lipid chemistry back to something less bizarre.

∞ DT ∞