Blog entry for:

rather than a bad one, i have the opportunity to find my way towards accepting myself, just as i am. most of the time, when i sit and listen to the quiet, i hear things, way off topic in between the moments of the insights from the daily reading. one of the of those weird one-offs was a feeling of pity for those of my friends that each and every day, have to jump through all sorts of intellectual hoops to defend what is said by the leader of their party. more and more, the barriers they erect to rational and considered responses to the flow of idiocy coming out of Casa Blanca, are becoming more and more absurd and it feels like 1984 all over again. politics aside, these are friends and acquaintances that i respect and have long ago accepted that they see the political world, differently than i do, which is not a bad thing, for me or for them, it is just one of those “facts of life,” that makes the world a bit more interesting.
that whole little diversion into politics was just a warm-up for the deep dive into what i heard this morning. when i got clean, i believed a whole lot of tripe that i discovered over the course of the years was spin, lies, rationalizations and justifications. i had a whole internal “press corp” and “captive media voice” to pump out the material i needed to protect myself from the reality of what was real and true about the man i was. boy, oh boy, was that part of me talented. when i stumbled across the notion that addiction made me sick, a whole new level of spin and denial became my platform. as i could not see myself as i wanted others to see me: whole, genuine and self-assured; i had to do all that i could to proclaim that was what they saw and here is the proof. when all else failed, i could shout out at the top of my lungs, “what the fVck did you expect, i am after all, just an addict?”
by the time i finished my second set of steps, that whole façade was falling apart in great chunks and i was left standing naked to the world, knowing damn well what i was and what i wanted to be. my third round of steps, started a process of becoming a person i can accept today, knowing full well the nature of my faults, character defects and shortcomings. i am far from perfect, and yes i am still an addict. i do not need to obfuscate those facts ways by saying stuff like “GOD made me this way, so i must be perfect as GOD does not make mistakes.” no, i can accept that i am an imperfect human, who makes mistakes on a daily basis but has the ways and means to see those gaffes as stepping stones into becoming something more than just another addict.

∞ DT ∞