Blog entry for:

through working a program of recovery, that sounds like an excellent idea, and one i resisted for quiet some time.
no need to rehash the fantasy view of the world and my place in it that i possessed when i came grudgingly to recovery, been there done that and that horse has been thoroughly flogged. the sick vs bad paradigm is also one i have explored often enough in the past, so i can move along from that topic as well. eliminating the most obvious of the topics from this reading, what does that leave me to write about this morning? how about accepting myself, plain and simple, as i really am today.
last night, at my least favorite meeting of the week, i heard my share of newcomer cheerleaders talking sharing about how “proud” they were to have the number of days they have. that was to be expected., as well as the i am so happy and so much better part of the roller-coaster of a peer who would be better served to sit down, shut-up and fVcking listen. of course, i know they will not, because this is their therapy, they mistake the “therapeutic value,” as license to puke and then play on their phone. in a week they will either be suicidal or homicidal again, and their wheel of misfortune will continue to spin. most of the reason this peer irks me so much, is that i remember the days, when i believed i had the license to do exactly what they did, and believed i could be forgiven by those in attendance, because i was a “newcomer.” fortunately, for me anyhow, as well as my peers, i learned that i did not have a right to take a meeting hostage for three minutes, just to hear the sound of my own voice. i did not want what they had, all i wanted was absolution and the means to return to a life i had to leave behind.
working through the steps, i have learned that i need not use Jedi mind tricks to accept myself as i am. i am okay, not being perfect. i am okay not being smarter, or richer, or wiser or more spiritual than everyone else in the room. i am okay putting away my scales and calipers and allowing myself to grow into something i was clueless about for so long. the path to accepting myself does not come from the fantasy world of who i was in the past and it is quite true, back in the day accepting myself was easier when i saw myself as “sick.”
today, whether or not i consider addiction a “disease,” or not, is not at all relevant, i know that i am an addict and that affects the way i look at the world. knowing what i know today, it amazes me how long i wanted to be in the puke and snot boat and torture my peers with the tales of my emotional cycling through indifference, anger and intolerant bias. the meeting on Tuesday night? perhaps, i can learn to tolerate and accept that even the newest of the new, whether they arrive in a “druggie buggy,” or fly in on their broomstick, can teach me a lesson in acceptance, tolerance and patience. i know that my expectations are not being met, after all, how many bad examples do i really need in my life? how many reminders do i need about how it was for me, back in the day? where do i go to find the recovery i need and will i accept it once i get there? lots of question and not a whole lot of answers this morning. what i do know is this: addiction colors my life, to this day, and what i find unacceptable in others is the very same stuff i find unacceptable in myself. if i want to get better, i need to work my steps and allow myself to become something i never was, BETTER!

∞ DT ∞