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i had wreaked in active addiction.
those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
so the reading uses the disease concept of addiction to perform a Jedi mind trick, that seems to suggest that i am not responsible for what happened back in THE LIFE, after all, i was “sick,” what would anyone really expect from a sick person? i said seems to suggest and that is what i meant. nowhere does it actually provide absolution for the sins consummated during the days i was running and gunning, but it does provide a pathway to self-acceptance. because of the steps, i know what i did, have a fairly good notion of the damage i caused and have accepted full responsibility for what i did. of course here is where the Jedi mind trick comes in: those behaviors were the result of a sick person, and not a bad one. that notion was certainly comforting back in the day, but the truth is, some of those behaviors were conscious decisions to do something i KNEW was bad. sure i could fall back on how i was owned by dope, or addiction had warped my moral compass, and while true, it does not excuse any or all of that. somewhere down the line i need to own what i did and make things right. yes being “sick” does not make any of my past go away, but it does make it easier to take the STEPS needed to put it into proper perspective.
i could end this with that last statement, after all, that is what the reading seems to be all about: achieving self-acceptance through justifying and rationalizing my past. that would be oh, so nice. what i actually heard this morning, however what i actually heard is that those behaviors and actions, do not make me the man i am today. they are the impetus for change and through changing my life, i come to accept myself as i am today, not as i once was, sick and twisted. for me, remembering my past is a crucial part of my recovery, as it defines who i once was and also is a template for the vision of the person i could once again become. IF i choose to abandon the path that i am on.
i am really stuck for anything wise or pithy to write, without resorting to the party line and parroting all that i have learned. suffice it to say that, today, as a result of working the steps, i accept who i am. i am no longer defined by my turbulent past, but all that i did in the past has made it possible for me to become something more. my past, mild or heinous as it may be, is a tool i use to connect with my peers, especially the newest of the new. after a bit of time clean, it may appear that i was “ always like this,” and may be hard for the newest of my peers to see me as just another addict. that is the curse of clean time. the blessing is that i know this and can reach back into that past and pull out examples of how it was for me, in active addiction, in abstinence and most importantly, in recovery. the past is not something i want to forget, as i would hate to condemn myself to repeating it.

∞ DT ∞