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set in motion by the Twelve Steps, self-acceptance for this addict was still a long time in coming. how do one tell someone upon whom they depended on for approval for decades, that their approval is no longer required or even desired? after the resentment bomb that altered my life, a little over a year ago, i am finally reaching a place where i accept who i am and the power of the approval of others, has diminished to practically nil. as i become “whole” and step out from under the weight of the lie that defined my life for so long, i sometimes even feel “dirtied” by what i feel is cheap or shallow approval from others.it is not unlike telling someone over and over and over again, that i do not “judge” my days as good or bad. learning to live in a world that is far from black and white has changed how i see myself and my place in that world and part of that place is to accept that many things happen in a day, some are desirable, some not so much and most just are. out of that highly mixed and charged milieu, comes all the lessons i NEED to learn as well as my triumphs. taking all of it stride, enhances how i see myself and allows me to accept that i am worthy of being accepted without doing anything but being myself.
moving along, this morning, what i heard was an echo of what came to me yesterday afternoon, after once again explaining who i was an d how i see the world. i am beginning to wonder if there is any point to even attempting to do that, as my observations seem to be tossed in the bit bucket and disregarded, time and again. i know from experience that patterns established over a lifetime are the hardest to emerge from, but it feels as if sometimes there is no effort at all, to understand where i am coming from. as sad as that may seem, i have to learn to accept that others will never understand who i am becoming and treat me as they always have, just because it is the easier, softer way. on that regret, i think i will post this and head on down to work, as it is a good day to accept responsibility for myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞