Blog entry for:

myself as a sick person rather than a bad person, the STEPS are the key to my ongoing journey of becoming the sort of person i have always wanted to be. regardless, of how i look at addiction: as a disease, a condition, a syndrome, or no label at all, what it boils down to is this; as an addict i did things that were less than stellar, bad and yes even reprehensible, that is the fact. the guilt, remorse and even shame i feel today, is a natural reaction to the acts of that person, and unless i find some way to put that into perspective and repair the damage i have done, that will haunt me the rest of my days clean.
here is where i find the steps so crucial. it is only through actively working the steps, that i can find a structure to do exactly that, defuse my past, ameliorate my worry about what may be coming down the pike and live in the here and now. AHHH, i am now preaching to the choir. as most of those who read this with any regularity already know that for a fact, and those occasional readers will find more evidence in their lives, that this process cannot possibly work for them.
i certainly was one of those, that had come to the conclusion that the STEPS were for everyone else, and could never be for me. even though i had worked twelve steps, and the desire to use had been lifted from me, the desire to stay clean, was still many months away. the problem as i see it today, was not with the steps as they came down to me, in the fellowship i had chosen to recover in, it was within me. as long as i believed that i was not powerless over alcohol, and the evidence was, that i was not, i could never go any further in my recovery. as long as i was an hyphenated addict, i would never accept that i was powerless over addiction, so there i sat, in a bout of self-sponsorship, vacillating between wanting to comply and wanting what i saw in my peers, and having trouble believing that it would ever work for me, after all…
i was certainly set up for a very big fall, and had the opportunity, means and motivation to cave and allow myself the freedom to use, hence the worst and best night of my life, was bound to happen. not that i believe in destiny or fate, no i was self-willing my way into using and every step i took towards that event, felt like it was inevitable and beyond my control, and i was right, it was. when the desire to stay clean came upon me, that very early morning in Little Ferry New Jersey, i still did not know how things were going tom play out. it would still be several weeks of miserable abstinence, before i would write my first step , but at least it was less than 3 days of misery before i changed sponsors, changed fellowships, and started looking toward a new way of living.
as i sit here today, 11/12s of the way through my third set of steps in the fellowship that has become my home, i accept that i am an addict, and that all i do, see and say, is colored by that fact. even though i am still an addict, much to my chagrin from day to day, it does not mean that i have to live a life of degradation and shame. no, for me and those who are my peers and predecessors, there is a different way to live and after some time clean, my life looks like the lives of those who are not addicts. i work, i play, i pay bills, i feel emotions, i have dreams and hopes and yes i fumble and fall, as well. it just is, and i just am, staying clean one day at a time.
so before i end this, i also have this to say, that there certainly are man y paths to where i am today, for me, the aegis of the fellowship that i live a program within, was the best and probably the only place where i could find my way out of the darkness and into the light.

∞ DT ∞