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self-acceptance comes more quickly when i first accept that i have a disease called addiction, the easier it is to accept myself, the easier it becomes to accept responsibility for myself.
so what is up today? well for one thing i am starting to get some willingness to accept that i am who i am, yes i may be a fellowship nazi at times, and yes i know that i can be cool, distant and aloof, especially to the parade of court ordered members that attend the same meetings i frequent. both of those traits, i am sure are a reaction to what i feel about myself, based on my past. it would be disingenuous of me to say that my negative self-image is based solely on my behavior during active addiction. most of that garbage has been discarded along my journey through the steps and as i learned how to live the program, no what i find lacking in myself these days are character traits, or perhaps i should say character defects, that are still a part of me. after all, i have been doing this whole recovery gig for a bit of time and i SHOULD be better than that by now! :))
so here is one of the readings that speak explicitly about accepting myself by accepting that i have a disease. the disease concept has always been a bit too simple for me to accept at face value, and over time i have had to make more than a few accommodations with that concept. not that i do not believe that i am sick, my current and past behavior provides more than enough evidence that is the case. the problem for me is that when i travel the path of having a disease, all of a sudden i can exonerate myself, after all i am powerless and as a result.... so for me to accept responsibility i have to take the acceptance of the disease concept on step further. for me the disease is me and i am my disease. with that little accommodation all of a sudden i have to take responsibility, after all it is me who wants to use, it is me who wants to avoid reality, it is me who harms others to make myself feel better, so it has to be me that wants to recover, and who wants to learn how to live this program on a daily basis. now i am getting to the fine line about beating myself up and i need to make a second accommodation. i am not responsible for that part of me i call my disease. since i am not responsible for that part existing, i am no better or worse than anyone who does or does not share my spiritual, emotional and physical affliction. i am however responsible for the decisions i make when yielding to that part of me, because now i know better. learning how to accept responsibility for my actions without becoming my prosecutor, judge, jury and executioner is what i get from this reading this morning and it is quite a task for this addict to take a bit of responsibility for today, so i will see how it goes as i gallop off to face the REAL world!

∞ DT ∞