Blog entry for:

because it is easier to accept myself as a sick person rather than as a person.
the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
i know, that last statement looks like a non sequitur, but as i go through the process i will tie them together, maybe.
anyhow even though i do not necessarily buy the **disease** concept, hook, line and sinker, i do accept that i am different from other human beings, when it comes to how mood and mind altering substances affect me. so today for the sake of brevity and simplicity i will call that difference the disease of addiction, which by the way is part of me -- one of the many parts that constitutes the **whole** person that i see before me today when i look in the mirror. i can accept that i am an addict, but more to the point, my disease took over my life and a result warped that whole person in a fragmented man who was ruled, driven and ultimately nearly destroyed by his need to get high. it was that part of me, who made the whole into what it was when in came to the rooms, and decided that one, i might have a problem; and two, i might actually want to do something about it. as the reading suggests. it was easier back then to slice out the different parts of me and view addiction as something from outside that drove me to do what i did. i understand and accept that today, HOWEVER for me, i am no longer comfortable seeing addiction as some sort of foreign invader that has taken over my life and keeps from moving forward into becoming the person i have always wanted to be. it is not the thwarting my dreams part that i do not buy, i can see the part of me i call my disease. easily doing its bit to do so. no it is the separate entity part. the disease part. for me humility means that yes i am an addict, and that i AM the addict. everything i once blamed on the addict within, comes down to me, and nothing else. once i accepted that i am what i am, it became easier to reconcile my behaviors, my feelings, my actions and my reactions to reality. the battle today, is not between me and my disease, it is between me, myself and i, and that is where the FIRST STEP comes in. i can surrender to the fact that i am THE addict, i can accept the fact that i have absolutely NO POWER, and if i desire another day clean, then i NEED to surrender to a force stronger than myself, THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN. form that simple admission i can move forward in my day, accept myself as i am, flaws, assets and liabilities, and live another day clean. living as a whole person, rather than the sum of my parts is my daily task, and one worthy of any human being.
so anyhow, before i sign-off and hit the streets on last word:

HAPPY 12th Clean Date Anniversary Jess,
it is nice to see another member of the class of 97 staying clean!

∞ DT ∞