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self-acceptance through the process of living the TWELVE STEPS is an experience i can certainly write about. i can say without any reservations that my last 4TH and 5TH strep experience was a disruptive, life-changing process that is allowing me the freedom to accept myself without requiring outside validation from those around me, for perhaps the first time in decades. do not get me wrong, it still feels “good” to get a stroke or two, on a daily basis. what has changed is that while i may still desire that sort of attention, i seem to no longer require it.
the basis of my self-doubt and self-loathing was the lie that i was “broken” that i adopted and bought into, long before i even realized i was doing just that. it was easier to hide in plain sight, than to risk the pain of being punished for who i was. the longer i played that game, the more embedded that behavior became and as i volunteered to “look” like everyone else, i slowly chipped away at my identity and never became fully-realized as a person who could stand on his own. as much as i would have denied it, in days past, i not only desired outside validation, i REQUIRED it and would do whatever i thought i needed to do, to get it. bearing that weight for most of my life has certainly had some interesting bounce-back effects with quite stunning opposite and equal reactions, now that i am freed from my self-imposed life sentence.
the unfortunate part, is that many of the people in my life, especially those who have been on the periphery, but from whom i sought approval, are confused and hurt about the sudden shift in the power dynamic, as i express my new-found freedom. realizing that i am not broken and hence do not require fixing, is a whole new way to look at myself and the world around me. making decisions based on what is best for me, may look capricious and cruel to those i used to depend upon to boost my self-esteem and acceptance. the facts of my life have changed and i may not know what i will look like in the future, but i am confident than it is better than how i saw myself in the past. what is on the other side of that terminator has not been eliminated and is responsible for who i am, but can no longer affect who i am becoming. just for today, i am okay with all of that and choose to walk forward, carefully and patiently into the light of this new day.

∞ DT ∞