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i am sure to greet the difficult times with a sense of hope, i need not despair, for i know that the care of a HIGHER POWER will carry me through. at least that has been my experience across the course of my clean time. i purposefully used the term clean time, rather than recovery in the last sentence, because, lately i am seeing more and more evidence that clean time does not ever equal recovery. no matter how long someone has been clean, no matter how many trips through the steps they may have worked, and most of all no matter how much they may believe they know about the program, what i am seeing is none of that means squat if they are not actually living a program.
okay enough soap box this fine and somewhat dank thursday morning, (but it is getting brighter as i write this) the time has come to turn that particular magnifying glass on me, and as i have said in the past, i am not one of those born to FAITH, and this was something i had to grow, one day, one step, one meeting at a time. so do i have a belief system in place today that relies on a POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF, to care for me in time of darkness, well the short answer is, probably. i will not tempt fate or whatever by wishing to have any test of any sort, i will have to have a bit of FAITH in myself, that i can allow whatever concept of a HIGHER POWER that is currently running around in my head, to care for me. ironically, that leads me back to what an addict said at the meeting of my home group last night. she stated that she was unable to give up her concept of punishing HIGHER POWER even though she had worked 12 steps and been "around" the program for a while. thinking about this morning, i find it incredible that anyone could have worked more than three steps and still be caught up in a POWER that is not working for them. that particular addict has, in my opinion far to much information, and not nearly enough humility to stay clean, and surprise, she does not! anyhow, that is a small judgmental digression, what i was getting to is that her concept was my concept when i came to the program and before i got clean and long before i ever got one second of recovery. and guess what, i did not stay clean either. what it took for this addict was complete surrender to this program, including the task of finding a POWER on which i could rely, regardless of what the face of that POWER looked like. and as i started way back when, that project is still ongoing and evolving, and i am quite comfortable in having the FAITH that more than likely, i will be carried through my times of darkness, by the instruments of that POWER.
i could go on and on, as i seem to be on quite a roll, however i will just say, that life in recovery is better than the alternative today, so i believe that i will completely and without reservations surrender to the progarm, just for today!

∞ DT ∞