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that fuels my recovery IS will always here for me. what seems to be a complete departure from what i am hearing this morning, is the events of yesterday. before i dive into those and perhaps figure out the means to tie all of this together, i need to comment a bit on this notion of a HIGHER POWER and what it means to me. i have often spoken for my peers, with more than a bit of arrogance and certainly in ignorance, about how they expect things, such as miracles, to be manifest in their lives through the care of GOD. i know, that was once how i saw this whole relationship with GOD, in my recovery journey, that if i asked for something in prayer, it would be granted and when my back was against the wall, GOD would provide the answers. for the most part, that is exactly what has happened. as i my view of the POWER that fuels my recovery transforms from what i was taught that GOD was like, i find readings, such as this, a little bit disconcerting and yet when i sat this morning, it was for 50 minutes, so something was speaking to me in that still, quiet time. was it the ❛voice of GOD,❜ as i often say to peers? i am not certain of that at all, in fact i am not quite certain what i ❛heard❜ this morning. what i feel right here and right now, is that as long as i stop and feel my way to the next right thing, every opportunity to get what i NEED today, will be presented to me and be within my capabilities to accept. oops, there i go again, off into the spiritual mumbo-jumbo that seems to surround me, when i start speaking about my spiritual view of things. quite honestly it was much easier, to fall in lock step with my peers on a more common spiritual path. when i was there, there was no need for me to try and explain how i saw things in terms they could understand, and perhaps that is exactly the problem, i am trying to fit the round peg of my spiritual path, into the square whole of the common spiritual view. it does go in, but it does not fit well. what i am beginning to see, is that i am powerless over how my spiritual path has evolved and the harder i try to make it ❛fit,❜ the more hoops i have to jump through to do so. the wisdom here, is that perhaps it is time to stop and just let go of what my peers may or may not think about the path i am on, and stop trying to put what i see, into terms that do not fit it.
which seems to bring me around to what occupied my 10th Step last night and was on my mind when i got up for sitting this morning, a tale of two addicts, my peers and about whom i seem to have very strong opinions that are coloring my feelings towards and about them.in my sick and twisted mind, all i can see is the selfish, self-centered nature of their behavior. without zeroing in on specifically who and what, i am angry at one and hurt about the second. oh, it is easy to claim addiction as both of them are in the throws of active addiction, but somewhere, sometime, there has to be a line that is crossed into taking responsibility for one's life and stop expecting the world to provide for all one's needs. when i actually think about it, there is anger that can be turned into two nice little totally justified resentments for the addicts in question. what i am starting to ❛hear,❜ is that it is only me, who will get hurt if i choose to retaliate or otherwise act out on my anger. it is only me who will be spiritually less fir, if i choose to swallow my anger and finish the transformation into a resentment and it is me whose status will be diminished in the eyes of my peers, if i happen to let a nugget or two of the new information i have ❛slip❜ out to my peers. that leaves in a strange and unusual place: i am angry ⇝ i want to retaliate ⇝ i want to be all spiritual ⇝ therefore a resentment is the way to go, after all, i can that burden for a minute or so! OR, perhaps i just need to let go, allow those who need to, to see what they need to see and allow the world to churn out the rest. the path forward for me, is to shut up, ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to take my obsessive resentments away and see where that leaves me. which sort of brings me back around to the top and my original thought ⇝ the POWER that fuels my recovery is always here for me, all i have to do is be present for IT.

∞ DT ∞