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for the long haul, is something i think about quite often. what i have trouble understanding is when my peers decide to relapse. i sort of understand that after staying clean for a minute, working some sort of program, life is gets full and it is tempting to see that one might just be “cured.” some of them disappear from the rooms and never come back, most of them end up using and losing all sorts of “stuff” including, but not limited to self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect. i feel for them and i guess i could say the cynical bon mot that a peer i am less than fond of, has said more than once: “someone has to serve the fellowship by being the relapse person.”
others seem to get impatient with how their recovery is going, because the “rewards” have stopped flowing in, or have stopped altogether, they seem to see this as a zero sum game and if things are not constantly getting better, they might as well try the using waters again. some of them make it back, a few of them find the ways and means to be a “functional” but many of them end up dead or in custody, which might just be a life sentence or a fate worse than death.
ah, but all i have been talking about is others in recovery and this is supposed to be about my stuff. relapse is not part of my story, once i got clean and decided to become a member of the fellowship that has given me this manner of living, i have not had to go sample the waters of “just one more.” i have never worked any sort of “perfect” nor have i ever been any sort of spiritual guru, although i have attempted to pass myself off as one, many times in my recovery. when i think of vigilance i think of my peers who live in abject fear of using. for me, vigilance means making a choice every day to live an active program of recovery and start my day out with what works for me. today, my day also included running the Bolder Boulder in fifty six minutes and nineteen seconds, which was my goal, of course if i could do it again, i would make sure i shaved off those twenty seconds to make it fifty five minutes and change. i do not fear relapse, but i do make sure i take all the steps i need to take on the mornings i wake up and decide that this, too, is a good day to be clean.
i can bet myself up about what i did not do, or look at how well i did. i know that if i am alive and kicking a year form now i may be able to shave off another two minutes from my time. i also am quite certain that just because i may be disappointed i did not do better, i have to remember that i am sixty-six years old and most men my age do not even attempt to run one kilometer much less ten. i did something for myself and in the long run, i am grateful that i still have the ability to do so. that ability is a reward of being vigilant, staying clean and resolving to work a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞