Blog entry for:

of hope, after the year i have had, is really, really, really something i NEED today. as i consider what the past few weeks have brought me, spiritually, physically and emotionally, today i can certainly say i have a sense that things may just be getting a bit better. i ran the Bolder on The Run course in Firestone in fifty-nine minutes and thirteen seconds, beating the goal i set for myself of 59:59. i am leaving on a vacation in Santa Fe on Tuesday and i do not have to be back at work until June 7th. i mostly accept that my Mom is who she is and any expectations i may have of her getting any better in how she treats me or herself are simply pipe-dreams and will lead to a whole set of emotions that i choose not to dwell in. yes i will get mad, when she is disrespectful. yes i will get sad when she says she “can's” when she really means she “won't.” none of that appears to be changing, even at a glacial pace and my DESIRE for it do so, is just that, a desire and not anything close to reality. most of all, i have come to accept that i may feel regretful for the years i lived the lie i created of being broken, but i can now put that into my past and move forward into becoming the person i am.
as loathe as i am to admit it, the POWER that fuels my recovery has provided all that i have needed to survive the pandemic, my Dad's illness and death and to open boxes of ancient, fossilized shit, that has ripped my identity apart. i can now see that regardless of my interior landscape, i have been thriving. i am not good at really knowing how well i am doing and i have to pay attention to what my friends, peers, siblings and loved ones are telling me, instead of relying on the internal judge, jury and executioner to tell me the story of what is going on. as i have a busy morning, in progress, i think i will say adios and move on to my next task. i am doing well, better than i expected, and ready to face a day in the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞