Blog entry for:

taking place in my life and most importantly within myself. here is where i could express my GOD envy, after all my peers and the literature speak of a personal, loving and caring HIGHER POWER that WILL carry them through the rough patches in their lives. a year ago, i expressed dismay at their system of beliefs and went on with jazz-hands and tap-dancing about how mine was mo’ better for me, and me alone, even though it came off arrogant, smug and superior. for me, the things that have changed is acceptance that although i am welcome to incorporate what i see in other spiritual belief systems, into my own, that doing so, betrays who i am on a very fundamental level. to insist in having my cake and eating it as well, as that trite and very confusing bon mot states, is not what i am about today.
which brings me to the subject of FAITH and surviving the changes within. i have been pissed off angry at this and that for as long as i can remember. this constant simmering emotional witches brew has given me the opportunity to build cases against people in my life and my local fellowship in general. as i am starting to look for the balance in the SECOND STEP, in regards to me and my outlook on my life in recovery, i am be=ginning to see, that little is to be found and the mini-vacation i took from meetings in my hometown is doing very little to add balance into my life, as the objects of my ire, are in attendance. what i am hearing as i peer through the red gauze of intolerance and blame, is that i am the issue here and i want something or someone to shift the blame on to, whether or not they are guilty of anything, at all. blame-shifting is one of my most favorite games and opening my mind to the facts as they are presented today, instead of what once was, is certainly the way to go. i can say this however nasty things have been in my head, i have yet to let them spill out to the real world. it is true, that i may think i have heard this same old story in the past, my job is not to poison the well.
back to the top, “GOD envy.” so in the spiritual path i follow, there certainly is a POWER that fuels my recovery and is powerful than addiction, and yes even me. i do not stray into the world of “greater than” as that throws me into sh!t-hopper of worthiness. i have worked long and hard of overcoming the whole stigma of not being “worthy.” needing to be “carried” through times of unease, distress and calamities, feels to me like a return to the life filled with genuflection, averting my eyes and relying on the mysterious ways of something beyond my ken. i am okay with stuff beyond my understanding and i am okay with needing help from outside of me, when times get tough and pain is all around. this morning i leave the deeply mysterious to those who desire it and rely on the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide what i need to open my mind to hearing what i am being told by my family members, my peers in recovery, my friends and those i love and who love me. coming out of the despair of STEP ONE and moving into the HOPE of STEP TWO feels trickier than ever before, but i know that if i “feel” instead of think, all will be well, just for today.

∞ DT ∞